Have You Ever Loved Someone Unconditionally?

Yes. Twice.

I loved my parents unconditionally. For very good reasons. They both deserved it…. And then some.

And for very different reasons. Though equally important.

And if one was not available, for one of my many, many questions…the other showed up. Just in time. For fourteen years there was never an empty puzzle. Never a missing piece. Everything made sense…until one day, it didn't.

When I was around three years old, I remember riding in the car with my Mom. We were always having fun. Always laughing. Singing. These were the good old days, before I started nursery school, and I got to have my time with both of them. I always wanted more time. Most of my little friends couldn't wait for a play date. A vacation to their Grandparents houses in Florida during winter. Even overnight camp…what an extravagant summer vacation…(they all seemed to be in agreement…) but not me.

One summer afternoon, riding in the car with my funny, beautiful Mom, she pulled out a set of cassette tapes. Immediately, I was so excited! Anything on a cassette tape was a good thing to me…I had no idea it could be almost as fun as listening to music. (And there were times, for a moment it was just as fun and amazing…)

These tapes all consisted of my favorite fairy tales. Disney on tape! Literally…(although I don't think that was the actual name.) It didn't matter. As much as I always loved to read, these tapes included a narrator, characters, and most especially…the coolest, most fitting music that one could ever dream of setting the perfect backdrop for the most wonderful stories that I had ever heard.

My Mother always seemed to play these tapes in the same order, I thought of it as regular rotation (as they would say in the radio biz.) And they were all different colors too…which made them even cooler, except for one thing my Mom didn't count on. It made each one only stand out all the more to me. And there was just one that was never put into the cassette player. Just one. The blue one. But why?

Why. My favorite question. The one that always got me into all kinds of trouble. Some whys don't have an answer. And some, you wish you never asked….

I can not imagine how annoying I was, asking over and over again…’why don't you ever play the blue one? What's the blue one? Why can't we listen to the blue one? She told me that ‘it was broken.’ I spent the remainder of that car ride home very quiet.

Because I knew that she had just lied to me. And it wasn't the first time. And my Bubby (my Grandmom) my favorite Aunt (my Dad's older sister,) and all of my parents friends would have all backed her up. Everyone would have. Everyone…except for my Father.

I opened our front door and went straight into my Dad's arms. I greeted him that same way every day when we got home from our rides. But this day I was in tears. And I could tell that he was very torn.

I decided to go into my room and play some records on my fisher price record player with all my stuffed animals surrounding me for support…lol. And I overheard a conversation…

Mom- ‘I don't want her listening to that one!’

Dad- ‘She's going to hear that story eventually.’

Mom- ‘She will not be able to handle it!’

Dad- ‘Give her a little bit more credit….’

I loved that my Dad stood up for me. He always did. They both did, in their own way…I've always said my Dad was right about everything…well, I remembered that incorrectly…this day, this unusual, peculiar day…for the first time, my Father was wrong.

The next morning my Mom and I were off on our adventures once again. My Dad was off to work. And it was business as usual. Except I have a memory like a steel trap. And once again…my Mother wasn't counting on it.

‘Put in the blue tape! Daddy said so…you promised!’ My Mom slowly pulled it out of the pretty Disney package that neatly held all my favorite tapes…and I heard her take a deep breath while she put that blue tape into the tape deck.

It all started out fine. I loved the voices of the little animals. And the music was perky. And I felt very satisfied with myself. And then the music changed. I may not have been able to read novels yet. There were some movies not yet suitable for my young eyes (though I managed to see most of them anyway) but sad music…any music. That I understood. Loud and clear. And I wanted once again to know ‘why?’

‘Why did the music change? Why is the music sad? Where did Bambi's Mom go? Mom…why aren't you answering me?’

And boom. She ejected the tape and I have never heard more creative words come out of my Mother's mouth…it was as if she single handedly wrote these Disney movies all by herself…with a twist (and alternate ending.)

‘Bambi's Mother went on vacation! She was tired. She went to have her hair done! She's shopping. You know…like we do, sometimes…’ and I wish I could have seen that look on my face. Actually, what I really wish…I wish I had let it end there. But no. Not me. I had to know ‘why.’

I didn't eat dinner that night. The house was quiet. I heard a very quiet argument (which was extremely unusual) and then it was over. And I never wanted to listen to those tapes ever again. And I never did.

I have said before that my Father was the only human being who has never lied to me. I have also said that my Mother knew nothing but unconditional love. And so did he. Because had I been a different child, he would have treated me differently. He gave me what I wanted…and so did she. But not all the time. It made me angry when she lied to me. Even though all she did was try so hard to protect me. Except I didn't need protecting as long as he was there. And he was. Until he wasn't. I was fourteen.

What do you do when you have an extremely curious child? Who is also very sensitive. Who always loved her Mother, even when she angered her. Because she knew she never intentionally tried to hurt her. But neither did he. What do you do when the one person who makes you feel safe…like all is right with the world, goes away? Not because he wanted to…because that's just the way it goes sometimes. And there's no one left to keep all your secrets…to answer all your questions. Even if the answer is scary, somehow he made it bearable. He wanted to prepare me for this world. Because somehow, I think he knew he wasn't going to be around. And I was really going to need him. And there are certain things, that even the most beautiful souls can't fix. She couldn't, neither could my friends. And neither could I. But she fought to the death. She just wasn't him.

So, as I said in the beginning. I loved two people unconditionally. I loved them both equally. But for different reasons. And had he stuck around, I don't really think any of the bad stuff would have happened. But I wouldn't be me now. I wouldn't have understood things the way I do now. Because I didn't have a choice. I needed to know why. I needed to understand. I needed to see such love from my Mother and realize, if love is real, even in death it does not fade. I wouldn't have learned the lesson. The lesson my Father wanted to teach me but with a safety net…but there was no net. No guard. No rail. No him. And now…no her. But I'm still here….

I had to lose both of them…to truly find myself. And I finally learned the lesson… Nothing worth having comes easy.