High Art

You can not go back to the person who abused you so you can heal. It does not work that way. I know this because I tried once before.

Though it wasn’t nearly as bad as what my ex husband with narcissistic personality disorder did to me, there was a person before him who tried to take away a piece of me.

He was ten years my senior. Very talented and I was learning a great deal from him. But I’m thinking now that he wasn’t completely happy with who he was. If he had been, he wouldn’t have wanted anything from me really...anything but love ( which I was completely willing to give him.)

I do not think I am one of those people who only attracts narcissists. I know this because I have been with truly wonderful people who only wanted the best for me. And though we didn’t have a fairytale ending, I still am left with a wonderful memory. I know exactly how I felt. It felt exactly how it is supposed to feel. You are supposed to be the very best version of yourself when you are with another person. They should only build you up...never tear you down. So I have had both. I still consider myself extremely lucky.

It is my own fault ( to a certain extent) that I let any abuse happen at all. The moment I felt as if something wasn’t quite right I should have been out of there. But I always seem to stay a little bit late. I want to fix everything or at the very least I want it to have a beautiful picture.

In my mind ( though I am not an artist in that way) I would find it next to impossible to paint a beautiful picture if all I could see was a very bad image. I am sure some are able somehow to do this...I can not.

I read about people wanting closure and I completely understand. Though I found it ( in my own way) I knew in my heart I would never get that from anyone else. (Especially a person who didn’t truly love me.) How could you?

But I somehow was able to make peace with my past. I was able to forgive myself for accepting less than I deserved. And I was able to only confirm what I already knew to be true. You have to trust yourself. Only you can know what is best for you. No one is going to show up for you the way you would necessarily want them to. I have amazing friends but when I start to have unreasonable expectations I remind myself that you really can only have expectations for yourself. You do not know how someone else is going to react. How they will feel. And what they believe.

You need to know yourself. Very very well. And though I believe you should always have an open mind, you need to be able to say no when something is wrong. You need to be able to walk away (even if it’s the hardest thing you have ever had to do. ) You need to love yourself just a little bit more than everyone else.

I know this may sound selfish or even narcissistic. I don’t feel it is. When you start to feel balance in your life everything else will fall into place. Little by little things will start to make sense. You will learn to let go of the things you no longer need and hold on to the things that are really important. Only you will know this, and only when you are ready. It isn’t always fair and you may not get the exact answers that you were looking for....but as the Rolling Stones once said long ago..."If you try sometimes, you will find, you get what you need." It’s a classic for a reason