How are Narcissistic Tendencies Recognized?
When I started to really pay attention to people with narcissistic personality disorder, one of the biggest red flags I noticed was a huge sense of entitlement or a grandiose sense of self-importance, leading them to feel superior to most. They believe that only others who are just as special as they are can truly understand them, and those are the people that they want to be surrounded by.
In order to maintain feelings of superiority, they will resort to belittling others by focusing on their flaws—whether they’re real or imagined. For narcissists, this is an effective way to hide their own shortcomings and preserve their distorted self-image. And they can not even do this in a quiet manner, (though covert narcissists seem to be able to a bit longer than those of a more overt nature) but at the end of the day, it’s really all the same…while they are looking in their mirror, they are reminding you all the while of how unattractive most people actually are….especially you.
A narcissist’s sense of superiority is more than unrealistic.
Narcissists will believe: They are unusually special…Better than others. Only other special people can understand them…They deserve the very best… the best of the best. They should only associate with people and things with a very high status.
Why it occurs
Grandiosity (pretentious self-importance) develops in people with narcissism to cope with very strong insecurities and low self-esteem. Specifically, an inflated sense of self helps them avoid these deeply rooted negative and painful feelings. These are feelings they have had throughout their entire lives and what better way to cover it up than to behave in the total and complete opposite way…but once you see the mask slip it’s extremely easy to tell the difference between a person who is simply proud of their achievements (something I truly wish more people could do without worrying that others will call them narcissistic, simply based on being proud of something special or important they have achieved…) and a huge, overinflated amount of pretentious grandiosity.
Narcissists Require Constant Praise
Despite how outwardly confident narcissists may portray themselves to be, they are actually incredibly insecure and have very fragile self-esteem. In order to continually prop themselves up, people with NPD require near-constant praise and admiration. They also expect to be recognized as quite superior even without achievements that warrant it in the slightest. Also, any comments that shine a spotlight on their deepest insecurities or flaws may be met with a burst of ‘narcissistic rage,’ causing the person to lie or divert the conversation in an entirely different direction. Deflection is one of their many ways of avoiding having to deal with things that they simply can not face.
Lying is another.
Lying is paramount for narcissists. They certainly seem to have a knack for it, and they do it quite well and very often. At times, even when there is no need in the slightest.
Feeling entitled is enormous to a pwNPD. They are truly the most entitled people I have ever come across in my life.
Because they are constantly behind a mask, they have no real identity so they never really see others, instead, they view other people as extensions of themselves and only existing to serve them in some way. This includes children. They believe their achievements are their achievements. They believe that their good choices and behaviors are their own as well. It is very rare you will hear anything along the lines of…”I’m so proud of you…you worked so hard…but most importantly, you should be very proud of yourself. “ I certainly never once heard my ex husband (pwNPD) utter those words to my child.
Why it occurs
Narcissists view themselves as special and different than others. This notion means they believe they deserve what they want, when they want it.
How it manifests
A narcissist's needs will always come first over everyone else's, even their own children. This sign can therefore manifest in many ways, such as expecting special favors and expecting others to comply with their expectations without question.
What happens when someone refuses to comply with a narcissist's demands? Nothing good. When others don't comply with their wishes or expect something in return, a narcissist may react with anger, aggression, or even violence.
Narcissists can not identify with others. They believe that they are above everyone. All knowing. All wise. It’s actually quite comical looking back and reflecting upon my time not only with him, but with various individuals who display huge amounts of now, very obvious signs of narcissism. Though narcissism is on a spectrum, a grandiose sense of self importance, deflection, projection, lack of empathy and so many other examples seem to all be included in the description of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Entitlement is another. This sense of entitlement also manifests in the following tell-tale sign of NPD...
They believe all people are solely there to serve their needs. This tainted view directly leads to exploitation.
Importantly, this exploitation can be highly malicious and manipulative though to many who aren’t really ‘in the know’ (so to speak) or are not living under the same roof can not believe that what you are telling them could possibly be true…it just sounds so dramatic… so unbelievable…that’s because it is.
Narcissists are always lacking in empathy. And because they simply do not consider how their behavior affects anyone else, when it is pointed out, they cannot empathize. They just cannot handle it. They do not want to improve…they feel no need to, and even if it is pointed out in a gentle and thoughtful manner by a person who truly cares for them, that is about the time the sh*t will begin to hit the fan.
How it manifests
There are many ways in which a narcissist may exploit others. For instance, they may use intimidation, bullying, or demeaning behavior. They additionally may use deception and emotional manipulation to get others to do what they want. Gaslighting is another example of how a narcissist will try and manipulate another person. It is one of the single most insidious things that I have ever experienced.
Narcissists can operate in different ways to get what they want, which means narcissistic manipulation can be either positive or negative, depending on the situation.
Envy is another big one for Narcissists. Nothing is ever enough. Like a child with a brand new toy, if they witness another child with a different toy, they have to have it…their own toy is no longer good enough, when in all actuality…it never was in the first place.
Narcissists may feel envious of others because they believe they deserve what others have but when others achieve success or accomplishments and they cannot, it serves as a reminder of what they lack and can't actually achieve. The accomplishments of others then threaten their sense of grandiosity. They must keep adjusting that mask…A narcissist may also believe that others are envious of them because they live in a fantasy with a grandiose sense of self.
Narcissists are compelled to compensate for all of their shortcomings and self doubt. Constant failure in themselves. This compulsion often leads them to redirect negative appraisals onto others to avoid seeing themselves in the appraisal.
In other words, narcissists lack self awareness…in every sense of the word. So, they feel good about themselves when they put down others and focus on the flaws of others—even if they don’t exist.
How it manifests
Narcissists often project their negative feelings onto others to avoid feeling them themselves. They may accuse friends and family members of not putting them first, being selfish, being unsupportive, or being mentally ill. Projection is one of their biggest ‘tells.’ And not only is it one of their most favorite tools in the narcissist toolbox, once you start to recognize this, it is not just to deflect blame away from themselves, it becomes a confession! Trust me when I tell you, more often than not, their biggest achilles heel is what they will more than likely accuse you of doing.
While narcissists project themselves as important and superior, their behavior all stems from one core trait…
Shame.
A narcissist is simply unable to face who and what they truly are. They have gotten so good at portraying the part of the guy/girl who has it all together…but it couldn’t be more opposite. They live in a world of self loathing and despair but because they can not face themselves and their many issues, therapy is extremely rare, (or next to impossible) because they do not see a problem. Which is why at the end of the day the ones who suffer the most are the ones who must put up with them. It is a hell on earth that I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy and if you are able to get away, I highly recommend doing so as soon as possible because where a life with a narcissist is concerned, there is nowhere to go but down.
