How did I get Here?

I have been asking myself this question for almost one whole year now.

It was not my typical ‘What happened’ in a bad connotation….for instance…’Wow…that's terrible…what happened?’

This was more like…’Wait…this isn't normal. This is not my norm. This is a little shocking. I'm completely surprised.’ And in a very good way…

I always looked at everything pretty much the same way. I thought I always would. Then last year the world as I knew it ended once again…. I was absolutely convinced that I was headed for a nervous breakdown and I would never come back from it. That's not what happened.

I had no one to turn to. Instead of hiding under the covers (which was my initial reaction) I turned to myself. Never ever thinking I could ever have the answers.

Not only did I start to really understand what happened in my marriage to a man with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I started to understand everything that I ever questioned or doubted.

The first thing that I realized (it literally all came back to me in an instant) was my gut instinct never once lead me in the wrong direction. Somehow I knew this as a child but must have forgotten. I remembered!

Instead of being sad that I had just lost my Mom (who was my best friend) I started feeling so incredibly lucky for everything I had ever been given (and there were so many things…) I no longer felt like a victim. I had to take a little bit of responsibility for some of the events in my life.

No one is immune to abuse. I'm not saying we invite it, and I'm not saying that it isn't wrong in every single way…but even if you are the most well adjusted, happy, talented person with lots of friends and an incredible family…no one is immune.

It seemed unlikely to some that I could make a choice like that. Chosing to marry a man who would wind up abusing you in just about every way and try to take away your soul….but I trusted him that much. I told him my deepest, darkest secrets. He used those very things as ammunition. He made me question everything I ever felt and ever did. All the good he somehow made bad. Everything I truly loved he had me convinced it was all a lie.

You have to know…he wasn't all that smart, handsome, or creative. I thought he would change my life. He certainly did…but in a way that I never expected. He tried to take everything away from me and somehow I was able to get (almost) everything back all on my own.

It took a lot of time. There were no support groups. No specialists dealing with Narcissism. Just me. And a few books.

Then last year I was given yet another huge gift. A priceless one. His second ex wife was not nearly as lucky as I was. At 40 years of age she is no longer with us. Towards the end of her life I was trying to help her make sense of everything that happened to her…all the while I was explaining it to myself and I didn't even know it.

Right before she passed away she sent me something. There was an attachment. I will never know if she intended to send it. If it was an accident. If she had some sort of a plan…if she even knew what she was doing. All I know is that it lead me here. This is where I found myself again.

I had never heard of Narcissistic Personality Disorder in my entire life. Once I started reading and doing my homework I realized not only was I not crazy or delusional ( like I was told) but I just might be able to tell my own story and someone might actually benefit from it. Who knew?

I once read we need to share our stories…you never know…it could become a page in someone else’s survival guide.

I couldn’t save her…she even said to me one night…’It’s not your fault, Ellen. You tried to warn me. I didn’t believe you. He brainwashed me! He is evil!’ I saw this horror unfolding and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. I always thought if one of us had to be sacrificed in all of this…it would definitely be me. She was tough as nails! But she wasn’t. I was. I had no idea.

Everyone was so sad, and so confused one year ago at her funeral. One year and everything is totally and completely different. I know she would be proud of me. She would want me to tell this story. I think by the end she trusted me enough to even be her voice when she no longer had one. That is one of the reasons I do what I am doing.

One of my most favorite topics are unlikely friendships. Talk about an unlikely friendship! She was my enemy! He made sure of that! He enjoyed every battle and set us up almost every time. He would whisper in her ear terrible things. All Lies! Then do the exact same thing to me. There were many families involved. Children. He managed to manipulate all of it for a very long time. Eventually…people caught on. But it was too late for some.

One year ago I found this forum. One year ago my life changed. I have a purpose again and never a more important one. Someone said to me when I first started is that healing others is healing in itself. Something like that. It is absolutely true. There couldn’t be anything more important.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to make peace with the fact that I could not save her. I know it wasn’t my fault yet it doesn’t make me feel any better. So I guess I’m doing the next best thing. I’m trying to educate others in a way so something like this never happens again! To keep her memory alive and most important (for myself) to keep myself alive. Literally and figuratively.

I no longer make bad choices for myself. That’s just not good enough. Not for me and the life I want. I now make choices that are healthy and only beneficial for my well being. And I need to remember it is not a sign of weakness or a character flaw to be trusting, loving or open. It’s beautiful. And given the choice I would do it again.

The only difference…I would make sure the person I was trusting was worth it. Authentic. Real…just like me.

I will never again ignore the little voice inside of me. I will always strive to be the very best version of myself. I will always be honest and I will always remember those who no longer can tell their stories. I will tell those stories for them. I will keep their lights shining even though there were those who tried to put those lights out. You can not even dim this light.

‘ Rage against the dying of the light.’