How Do You Co-Parent with a Covert and Altruistic Narcissist?
I can tell you from experience that you can’t. It does not matter how hard you try, how much you give, how you refrain from screaming even though every fiber of your being is screaming inside of you…the harder you fight, the harder they fight back and you do not want to engage in a battle with a narcissist. Especially one who gives off the impression that they are truly good, caring and kind…and do not forget…narcissists are excellent liars.
In the case of an altruistic parent, most people have no idea what is really going on behind closed doors…even some ‘seemingly’ close friends…they are that good, those narcissists.
If you think the husband/wife suffers with this particular breed of narcissist, just imagine what the child goes through….
An altruistic parent does very little, yet expects, actually… demands the highest form of gratitude. It could be for a very simple, small gesture…it does not matter. If you do not praise the parent for something (usually self serving or very Insignificant) you will most definitely pay.
Unreasonable expectations goes without saying, but the child can never live up to what the disordered parents expects. No matter if they do everything that is asked of them, there is always some issue and the disordered parent makes no bones about pointing out each and every shortcoming of the child. It does not matter if the child is kind, hard working, helps around the house, does their homework and excels in school…inevitably there will be some horrific deed this innocent child does and the most convincing of narcissists will have others believing it.
The child is left feeling alone and worthless and most especially utterly confused. They are doing everything they are supposed to and yet, the parent is not pleased. The child knows deep down something is very wrong and yet, to the outside world, everyone thinks this parent deserves a metal…having to put up with this ‘failure of a family.’
The disordered parent can even have family members, such as Grandparents convinced that this is a ‘problem child’ and the child and other parent are left baffled, scared and stunned by what is happening inside of their home.
As I said in the beginning, fighting world war III isn’t going to get you anywhere…it doesn’t matter what type of narcissist you are dealing with…they are still a narcissist and going into battle with one should not be taken lightly.
If the other parent is truly a good one, and loves this child, they will do anything in their power to make it a bit easier for them. It does not make up for what they are going through, but if you try with all your might to instill good values and build their self esteem, they might have a fighting chance.
Remind them that they are special. Always praise them for a job well done. Be affectionate. Overly if need be. Tell them (in the best way you can) this is not their fault and hopefully if you can get them through their early teenage years, you encourage them to go to school out of state. Make important, lasting friendships (as hard as this can be for the child) encourage them to travel and find something they enjoy.
Even if this means you do not get to see them as often as you would like, in a way, your heart is at ease because you could essentially be saving them from a lifetime of torture because as I said, a narcissist is a narcissist…covert, malignant, altruistic, what have you…and a narcissist has to win at all costs…and if they go down (and in time, they all do…) they’re taking everybody with them.
