How Do You Stop Projecting your Negative Feelings about yourself on to Others?
First, I must start by saying that projection is not just reserved for Narcissists, though they truly have mastered the art of projection…however, there are many individuals I have come across in my travels who would not necessarily be considered a narcissist, certainly not a full blown pwNPD, however they too seem to use this mind numbing tactic and its getting really old.
Projection does what all defense mechanisms are meant to do: keep discomfort about ourselves at bay and outside our awareness,. The people who are most prone to projecting are those who don’t know themselves very well, even if they think they do. I have even come across some self proclaimed ‘Life Coaches’ who do this well, and quite often.
People who feel inferior and have low self-esteem can also fall into the habit of projecting their own feelings of not being good enough onto others. Every negative thing they are saying to you or about you is honestly all about them, but they usually do not even realize what they are doing…they get very caught up in critizing others.
It is much easier to focus your attention on the faults of others than to not only focus on your own, but learn from it, grow from it and change in an inspiring and positive way.
On the other hand, people who can accept their failures and weaknesses — and who are comfortable reflecting on the good, bad, and ugly within — tend not to project. They have no need, as they can tolerate recognizing or experiencing the negatives about themselves. They realize…there is no such thing as a ‘perfect person’ but more importantly…they realize that unless that is precisely what you are…perfect…before you go critizing every little thing about another, how about focusing on the many things you can improve about yourself and then go and do that very thing!
The thing NOT to do when you are on the receiving end of projection is to take the bait. If the person projecting can get you to take the bait, he or she is off the hook! As soon as you try to discuss, explain, defend, argue, teach, cry, attack back, project back, or any number of other ways of protecting against the projection, the person projecting can now do exactly what they want to do – which is to focus on what you are doing rather than on themselves.
The worse they feel about who they are and what they have done mostly to themselves, but also, to those they view as a threat, (when more often than not, no threat has been made) the more attacking and abusive they may be. It’s a crazy-making situation, so generally the only thing you can do is remove yourself from the situation.
So you asked ‘How do you stop projecting your negative feelings about yourself on to others?’ Start getting really honest with yourself. Who you are…how you feel..and why. This is not always an easy thing to do but be mindful of your behavior. Start facing your past and your fears. Be honest. Be vulnerable. Ask for help…it doesn’t necessarily have to be a therapist, you could simply have a discussion with a wise friend that you trust.
And I realize, you may be in a place that you simply do not trust anyone due to a myriad of reasons, and once again it is because you do not trust yourself. The sooner you are aware of your behavior, the sooner you can let go of so many negative feelings and emotions…blaming yourself for past mistakes. Basically…being human. Instead of beating yourself up or ruminating over things you simply can not control, because it happened, it’s in the past, and hopefully you gained some insight about yourself and learned something valuable…try to always, always remember…
…Your past was just a lesson…not a life sentence!
So keep growing. Evolving. Always be aware. Self awareness is one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself…Maybe start practicing mindfulness. Anything that is a step forward in your personal growth is a huge step in the right direction, and for those who aren’t quite there yet, don’t give up on them…they’re trying (hopefully) just like you are…we are all a work in progress.
And as for those lost causes…leave them to their own devices. They can tell you all about how very wise they are, but with every step forward they ‘claim’ they have taken, it certainly may look that way, but in all actuality…that seemingly huge step forward is about two steps back. Two steps back and then some.
And as you are moving in very different directions, watch how they tell you just how much you need to grow. But the more you are truly growing, and not for the sake of applause or accolades…for you, and only you…the easier it is to begin to spot those that are so quick to point out all of your shortcomings. It actually becomes quite easy to spot after a while…even by those who claim to be the anthesis of one who would ever do such a thing. Pay close attention to what you are being accused of…that my friends is the very definition of projection, moreover…it is a confession. A confession of devious deeds and a lifetime riddled with shame.
You can not force an unaware person to see the error in their ways, and there is simply no stopping someone on a mission to become the very best version of themselves.
So…which one of these people do you want to be?
Those who are uncomfortable with the light you shine, it is not because your light is too bright, it is the simple fact that there isn’t any light at all within them. Let them burn out…and you…you keep shining…and don’t ever stop!
