There is a very famous Dickens quote…” It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” That’s the best way I can sum up my own experience.
I was watching my Mother die while I was walking away from him.
There was a time ( believe it or not) that if I had been going through one of the worst things in my life I would have turned to him. ( not that he ever really would have been there for me) but that is what would have seemed natural for me. And I believe that is precisely what he expected me to do. But I didn’t.
When I lost her, I was certain that was it for me. The final nail in my coffin ( as they say…).but something else entirely happened that to this day I can not explain.
Not only did I indeed walk away from him but there was a sort of shift. Not just a shift in my perspective. Everything around me changed.
What I was certain would kill me ( because he once told me I’d be nothing without her) made me more evolved than I ever knew I could be.
I do miss her and I know I always will…but if anything now, her memory ( as well as my Father’s) only reminds me of all the things I already knew as a young child.
I knew being with this man was wrong because it felt wrong and both of my parents would say you always have to trust your gut. One of the many lessons they taught me that I carry with me now.
I already knew and let go of my own beliefs for a moment because he was so good at trying to convince me that everything I did and everything I felt was wrong. But I wasn’t.
And so now a year later how do I feel? I feel like my old self again. All the things I liked about myself are back as well as some new ones. And the most important one of all…. I feel free.