My brief encounter with a co-morbid woman, and why it brought me gratitude instead of the heartache she attempted to inflict upon me.
From the moment I received a private message from a stranger over half a year ago, I knew immediately this was not going to end well, but she seemed to have questions that were easy enough for me to answer…I know for myself, having questions that seem to have no answer can be troubling. Upsetting. She immediately started talking about a woman we both knew who had many issues of her own. This stranger wanted some personal details. Some I divulged, and some I kept to myself. She didn’t get back to me for a while after that, so I thought it ended there and I was off, doing my own thing once again. Business as usual…but I was very wrong.
She kept popping up. And asked more questions, all the while putting down this woman who not all that long ago she felt was a good enough writer to be a part of her very small publication. I thought to myself…
“How could she not be aware of the fact this woman could barely even form a sentence, let alone be a published writer?’ (She had actually lied to many saying a book she wrote was going to be published by a major publishing house. That was two years ago. Let’s just say, I’m not holding my breath.)
I explained to this stranger that though I’m very extroverted and outgoing, I was hesitant for this to go any further. I was not comfortable giving out my contact information, and the very next message I received from her was her name, email address and phone number…the very things I told her I was not comfortable sharing.
I decided, what’s the harm in one phone call? ‘What’s the harm…’ the three little words that will forever echo in my mind.
I won’t get into the sorted details. I knew immediately there was something very wrong with her. She was extremely dramatic. Erratic. She told me of at least three failed marriages. Financial ruin. Actually…the way she described her whole entire world, ruin is a good way to put it.
I felt very badly for her.
I also felt that though she did not reveal this, something either pretty terrible happened in her childhood or maybe something inherited? A personality disorder does not always stem from abuse and neglect in early childhood. Of course that is a very obvious explanation for most, however I believe and also studied that heredity can play a part as well. Many things can, actually.
Very Hot and Cold.
She said she didn’t really like to talk. She was a loner. Except something happened with another person we both knew and that morning through the evening my phone was ringing off the hook. I wasn’t feeling well that day, and spent the majority of that evening sleeping, but my phone kept on ringing. I finally woke up and was concerned, yet at the same time my intuition was screaming inside…’don’t dial that number. Do not get involved. You already have a bad feeling. You know better..’
And I did know better. But as I said, I felt badly for this woman. She was older. She was completely alone. Homeless. No support. Asking for money through donations, even using her link or name for various help resources. It started to seem a little bit fishy. I got the feeling she really did not have many friends at all. So against my better judgment, I called her back all the while knowing I was about to hear some serious drama. She was drawn to drama, although she claimed that drama always seemed to follow her around like a black cloud. Narcissists. Covert Narcissists. They were drawn to her like ‘moths to a flame.’
The ‘problem solver’ in me wanted to explain that if that was infact the truth, perhaps instead of letting the drama dictate her direction, she should turn the other way. She claimed that was “all she knew” and that was what was familiar to her. Can you say ‘Red flag?’
Actually, what I didn’t want to say, with the hopes that I was wrong was that this woman not only suffered with severe Borderline Personality Disorder, I believed there was more to this story. I had really only studied Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but I did not put 2+2 together that this woman seemed to be co-morbid.
Not long after, the Raging follows…
So…what exactly is Borderline Personality Disorder? I started getting out books I never wanted to revisit, nor did I think I would ever have to read again. The first thing that came rushing back was this…BPD is an unsettling condition to have or be around in most cases, with many undiagnosed people who have it walking around feeling entitled to rage at or otherwise act self-entitled and covertly or overtly abusive to all they meet. Though she did admit to having BPD and said it was basically “all under control” however, her patterns and behaviors said otherwise.
What it actually means is, the person has what most friends and family who (tried) to love them say is a very, very erratic, highly domineering, inconsistent and time-sucking personality — meaning at all times the person controls the tone and tempo of every single conversation they have, leaving no room for the opinions of others or time for anyone else’s needs to be comprehensively met other than their own. But projection plays a huge role as well, because everything I just mentioned, not only would she deny that, she would (and did) totally and completely flip that statement around and put the blame on me.
Psychology Today reported on the history of change in the diagnoses of BPD back in 2011. At that time, the DSM was in the process of shifting from the fourth edition of their volume to the latest diagnostic tool, the DSM-5.
The website noted ‘the following diagnostic criteria that had already been in place as well as the proposed changes that have since been incorporated in the manual.’
Their reference notes for self-help and relationship analysis is as follows:
‘The current DSM-IV-TR (2000) criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder is as follows:
Borderline Personality Disorder
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
(1) frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
(2) a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
(3) identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self image or sense of self
(4) impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion
(5) recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
(6) affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
(7) chronic feelings of emptiness
(8) inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
(9) transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.’
The proposed DSM-V (2013) diagnostic criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder:
‘Borderline Personality Disorder
The essential features of a personality disorder are impairments in personality (self and interpersonal) functioning and the presence of pathological personality traits. To diagnose borderline personality disorder, the following criteria must be met:
Significant impairments in personality functioning manifest by:
1. Impairments in self functioning (a or b):
a. Identity: Markedly impoverished, poorly developed, or unstable self-image, often associated with excessive self-criticism; chronic feelings of emptiness; dissociative states under stress.
b. Self-direction: Instability in goals, aspirations, values, or career plans. Instability in just about every way….
AND
2. Impairments in interpersonal functioning (a or b):
a. Empathy: Compromised ability to recognize the feelings and needs of others associated with interpersonal hypersensitivity (i.e., prone to feel slighted or insulted); perceptions of others selectively biased toward negative attributes or vulnerabilities…(even if you try to be gentle…saying something along the lines of “that really hurt my feelings…I would like to try and calmly discuss this…” I learned rather quickly, where this woman was concerned, there was no such thing as a calm, rational discussion…the moment I uttered the words…”this hurt me..” all bets were off!
b. Intimacy: Intense, unstable, and conflicted close relationships, marked by mistrust, neediness, and anxious preoccupation with real or imagined abandonment; close relationships often viewed in extremes of idealization and devaluation and alternating between over involvement and withdrawal. Followed with major projection…all of the above turned around on the person simply trying to understand…trying to care (but them simply not allowing it.) They’re the boss! They call the shots! And that’s just the way it is…
Pathological personality traits in the following domains:
1. Negative Affectivity, characterized by:
a. Emotional lability: Unstable emotional experiences and frequent mood changes; emotions that are easily aroused, intense, and/or out of proportion to events and circumstances.
b. Anxiousness: Intense feelings of nervousness, tenseness, or panic, often in reaction to interpersonal stresses; worry about the negative effects of past unpleasant experiences and future negative possibilities; feeling fearful, apprehensive, or threatened by uncertainty; fears of falling apart or losing control. (I was accused of having a ‘meltdown..’ when in all actuality, it was the opposite.)
c. Separation insecurity: Fears of rejection by – and/or separation from – significant others, associated with fears of excessive dependency and complete loss of autonomy.
d. Depressivity: Frequent feelings of being down, miserable, and/or hopeless; difficulty recovering from such moods; pessimism about the future; pervasiveshame; feeling of inferior self-worth; thoughts of suicide and suicidal behavior.
2. Disinhibition, characterized by:
a. Impulsivity: Acting on the spur of the moment in response to immediate stimuli; acting on a momentary basis without a plan or consideration of outcomes; difficulty establishing or following plans; a sense of urgency and self-harming behavior under emotional distress.
b. Risk taking: Engagement in dangerous, risky, and potentially self-damaging activities, unnecessarily and without regard to consequences; lack of concern for one’s limitations and denial of the reality of personal danger.
3. Antagonism, characterized by:
1.Hostility: Persistent or frequent angry feelings; anger or irritability in response to minor slights and insults.
2. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual’s personality trait expression are relatively stable across time and consistent across situations.
3. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual’s personality trait expression are not better understood as normative for the individual’s developmental stage or socio-cultural environment.
4. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual’s personality trait expression are not solely due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., severe head trauma).
(All this information can be found in the DSM-5, or the website,www.dsm5.org, with specific changes for Borderline Personality disorder.
While people with Borderline Personality Disorder can learn to manage their own emotional outbursts…(something she claimed to do with ease) many people with co-morbid conditions like Narcissism, ASPD, and Histronic Personality Disorder cannot. For that reason alone, armchair diagnosis is simply recommended in order to seek counseling for abuse victims.
People with BPD have the ability to control their emotions but they don’t. Rather, they won’t. They choose voluntarily of their own free will to exhibit something called “Narcissistic Rage” with alarming frequency, have the ability to adeptly lie and write revisionist history to paint themselves in a better light, and absolutely know right from wrong. Some disagree, but I have discussed this with people who are experts in their fields. They certainly were not confirming this to appease me…I did not want this to be true. I mean, who wants to make an enemy? I actually wanted to try and help her. I already told her twice while smack dab in the middle of her very scary rage, “I am not good at this at all…I not only do not enjoy fighting, I don’t really know how, I’m just not good at it…not at all used to it…because it’s just a very foreign thing to me.” All I wanted was to have a rational discussion with her. I deserved an explanation for her abusive behavior. I deserved an apology for a few things actually. I finally realized why that was never going to happen. Shame. Her shame. No matter my intent. No matter my tone. No matter how kind and patient I tried to be…it was over before it had even begun. I told her that she hurt my feelings for something she did, and she knew I was right. Cue World War III.
Borderline Personality Disorder is typically managed — not “treated” (even though she told me otherwise). It falls under the egocentrism and entitlement umbrella of Cluster B personality types as a generic classification.
One of the last things I tried to express was not only my concern, but how DBT therapy could be incredibly helpful for her. I think I was blocked by that point. Then unblocked. Followed by more rage. Blocked again. I’m honestly not really sure, so I’ll never know if she saw that or not.
I should also mention, she not only used Meth, but went to prison for selling it, though because she felt that the amount she sold was small by comparison to something along the lines of a “kilo” her sentence was “terribly unfair.” She took absolutely no responsibility for anything. Even when I tried to explain that I myself had to take some responsibility where my own short-lived marriage to a pwNPD was concerned. I rushed in way too fast. I was very young, impulsive, and had I taken my time and thought about this life altering decision for just a couple more months, it never would have happened. She did not agree and was of the mindset that it’s perfectly normal to accept a marriage proposal from a person you have only known for a month. A month! At least for myself, I call this particular time in my young life temporary insanity. Again, she did not agree. She also abused alcohol. What I also reread after this knock down drag out exhausting and unnecessary argument over what, I’m still not sure…alcohol is to be avoided as are mind or mood-altering medications used for recreational purposes as people with BPD tend to struggle with issues of extreme shame, rage, and suicidal impulse. Since all levels of emotion (ranging from rage to depression to elation) tend to be high under normal circumstances, such people quite easily fall victim to various co-morbid addictions. And there was that word again…co-morbid.
Drugs, sex, pathological lying, covert and overt manipulation of other people for personal gain with intent to use or harm, and alcohol are the usual suspects with regard to addictive behaviors. It had her written all over it. Every single thing that I just mentioned. But there’s more… it is important to note hoarding, even pet hoarding, compulsive shopping, a tendency to become serial cheaters, all the while blaming the many, many men in her life, compulsive spending or extreme frugality to the point of social disorders, and gambling are all equally hot topics for these unusual, difficult and eccentric personality types.
For that reason, all friends and family members need to discourage acts of impulsivity or excessive behaviors at all times. Minimizing obsessive-compulsive traits while working to help the pwBPD learn how to regulate their own social and emotional behaviors is imperative to their ongoing socialization success and their family member’s or peer group’s “Narcissistic Abuse” recovery.
If the person suspected of having BPD is left to their own devices, the older they get the more likely they are to possibly grow violent or engage in passive-aggressive acts that inevitably hurt others during periods when they are unable to functionally control their impulses to sabotage their personal relationships or engage in very selfish, short-sighted acts that will ultimately cause that person and those around them direct and traumatizing harm. So much harm. Unnecessary, thoughtless, cruel harm. She had a wicked tongue. Very wicked and exceptionally cruel. Something I can honestly say I’d never seen the likes of before. I suppose I have been very lucky…
So, I had to reread and basically revisit something I didn’t exactly enjoy the first time I researched this subject, but I needed to make sense of what had just occurred. I already knew she suffered with Borderline Personality Disorder. It was very obvious, and she admitted it, plus I had studied personality disorders for over six years. Though I am no expert (not even close) I knew of a few others. They actually seemed caring and kind. Sensitive. Never an ‘enemy.’ I had just never been on the receiving end of their projection, omitting very important details of a story, and most especially their venom that flows like an erupt volcano when you dare cross them, except you do not even know you have done something wrong until they lose it, spin their story in one crazy direction, block you, and detest you, when not 24 hours earlier they actually uttered the words “I love you.”
So yes. I grabbed my copy of the DSM-V, made a few phone calls to a couple friends who have their PhD’s and started a quest on ‘what does a casual friend of a person with Borderline Personality Disorder that seems to be just one of a few issues look like on the receiving end?’
Borderline Personality Disorder friendships and how to get out alive once you’ve pissed them off yet had absolutely no idea why…and absolutely no intention to do so.
I was already well aware they have a very fragile self-image with tendencies toward major mood swings, depression, and suicidal threats and behavior as a result of interpersonal stress. I had read articles she wrote herself about severe drug abuse, alcoholism, criminal activities, and the inability to maintain any longterm relationships. None. Except when I asked for clarification after reading something she wrote, she seemed to be very angry. Angry that I read it. I thought to myself…if you don’t want this information out there, why in the hell did you put it out there? And then I was accused of not reading enough. So if I was concerned or had a question about something she wrote about that happened in her life, I was a terrible person, and if I did not read every other article that she wrote, gushing with admiration and maybe jealously (I’m honestly not even sure) that made it even worse. It made me worse. It actually made me a ‘narcissist’ (her words.)
I was also very aware they will engage in self-destructive or risky behavior like substance abuse, unsafe sex, etc…she wrote a story about her memory of an abortion she had at a very young age, yet when I had anything to say about that article (no judgment whatsoever, only normal questions you would ask someone who seemed to be sad about it) I was accused of being “better than her” because I didn’t have the same experiences she had. I’ve never felt as if I was better than anyone, and I thought she needed a friend. It was not my fault that we didn’t share the same experiences in life…we made different choices, but don’t you think it’s safe to say that most people could say the same? I’ve been in the music industry for most of my life. Many assumed that I did drugs, simply based on the nature of my profession. I never got angry…I suppose it’s a normal assumption, but my very wise Father taught me to never assume. So I always try my best not to. It didn’t matter what I said. It didn’t matter what I didn’t say. I was literally in a no-win situation. Which is exactly what I told her. I did not get a response about that statement. What friend (or really anyone for that matter) wouldn’t be concerned after reading so many disturbing articles, especially when she was so young. Though the problems only seemed to escalate with time. I hoped to hear of some improvements, but it was already very obvious to me that not only had things gotten worse, where personal growth was concerned, it never happened.
I also knew that people who suffer with Borderline Personality Disorder have a tendency to have intense and very unstable relationships,
displays of anger, emptiness, or an intense fear of abandonment often as a result of stress-related paranoia.
Let’s just say she fit the bill.
However, the more I seemed to care, the more she started to despise me. This was no longer Hot and Cold…this was the ‘Splitting’ I had heard and read so much about yet never experienced firsthand.
Major Splitting.
Any stories I shared with her that I either thought were funny, interesting or uplifting she turned around to making “everything about me.”
I started to reflect upon my friendships with lifelong friends who either heard these stories as well, or were actually there to experience some of them right along with me.
And they did laugh. It made them smile. They thought different stories were interesting, just like I felt about their own stories that they shared with me. But the most important part was the uplifting part. Nothing could uplift this woman. I recall a few fleeting moments of what one might consider a laugh. A chuckle. They weren’t real. And I started to understand that even though she offers life advice (no credentials, btw) or the very popular life coaching that seems to be popping up everywhere these days, I thought to myself… if you have lost the ability to laugh (or perhaps never could at all) why would a person even entertain the idea of becoming a life coach? Why would a person who clearly did not have a handle on their own personality disorder be coaching people about their own? And then I started to feel it was potentially dangerous if a person took her up on her offer. And not a free one. No joy. No accountability. Zero self awareness. Though I never said that, she had plenty to say about me…
As I mentioned before, I was really taken back with the fact she had never heard of DBT therapy. There are many different kinds of therapy out there. Talk therapy, or cognitive behavioral therapy always had worked best for me, but not only did she say she “totally had a handle on her personality disorder” yet she had never heard of dbt? I started to wonder what kind of “coaching” did she actually offer? A scary notion…and as I said, a dangerous one. Let’s just say, upon reflection, I’m concerned. For all involved.
Bringing up DBT therapy was just one of my many mistakes.
She once wrote that “the more you care for a narcissist…the longer you stick around, the more they begin to despise you” and I realized, in her own way, this was a warning. I was literally living her words. Yet I did not heed her warning. Just one of many regrets where this woman is concerned.
By the end of this short-lived highly destructive ‘relationship’, I did try my best to offer kindness. My time. I offered communication and No judgment. But I realized, she was already judging herself…enough for the both of us, but putting the blame entirely on me. It was confusing, upsetting and it had to end.
And end it did. My parting gift? A lovely and very predictable smear campaign riddled with lies but just the slightest hint of truth to make it sound believable.
So how did I go from all of that to gratitude? All those friends I mentioned in the beginning made me reevaluate how amazing they actually really, truly are. Each and every one of them. Perhaps I hadn’t been paying close enough attention because I had been going through some not so fun stuff lately, but they have all been there, every step of the way. Never saying that “everything was about me.” Never turning the tables on me. Never angry because I had a dream and went after it. A career I loved and was proud of. If anything, I wish more people could be proud of themselves…I will never understand how something like that could be equated to Narcissism. I realized, they had always celebrated me just like I have always celebrated them and because I had been going through a tough time, I almost forgot that. This unpleasant encounter with this stranger made everything clear. Even through the distortion she tried so hard to get me to believe, the fog cleared, almost in an instant, and I was once again saved by the love of some beautiful people who I had always adored, I just got caught up in a bad time for a second, but instead of letting a bad experience lead me down a very bad path and be of the mindset that ‘everyone is a narcissist…’ it did the opposite. This stranger only reaffirmed my love of people. And brought me more gratitude than I could have ever asked for.
All the while this stranger was trying to turn something beautiful into something ugly, that ugliness that lingered in limbo for a brief moment turned back into beauty. And for that alone I will be eternally grateful.
