The Smear Campaign Worthy of a Pulitzer.
My experience with the Smear Campaign was a little different than many other stories I have read and heard about. First, it did not start for quite some time.
After I finally got him out of my home, we were seperated for a good year or so before the nightmare of my life began.
During the time of our separation we were on fairly decent terms. Then he met his soon to be second ex wife. In an instant, my entire world not only changed but became so distorted that I started to question not only my own sanity but if any of the things I was starting to hear about myself was infact truth or fiction.
I already was not doing very well due to years of abuse (which I had not even begun to understand yet) and all the while ( before his new supply) he was almost building me up in a way. Bringing over our son for visits. Having dinner with my friends and my Mom at times. It was almost as if I could see a glimpse of the man I once kinda liked for a little while.
Then one day he came over. He said he ‘needed to speak with me about something extremely important.’ I couldn't imagine what. I was sitting at my piano. He knelt down next to me, holding papers in his hand. He told me he was getting remarried. I really wasn't upset. I was concerned only because it seemed quite fast, and I figured my son (who was just a little boy at the time) was probably a little confused, but I had met her a few times and she seemed to be genuinely interested, not only in my son, but in my well being too.
I asked him ‘what was in his hand?’ He started to explain that she had already planned the wedding. She even set the date. Here is where it starts to get a little crazy. We were not divorced yet! I did not even have an attorney! But he explained to me that the hotel she booked was her favorite place and she had her heart set on being married there. That was the only date available and if they did not take it, they would have to wait an entire year. He looked me right in my eyes and I will never forget the words that followed...."Ellen....if you sign these divorce papers right now, I promise you, I will never ask you for one single thing. I will help as much as possible with our son and we can be our own definition of a family."
Sounds pretty good, right? Nothing really to argue about. ( Or so I thought. ) I asked if ‘I could look over the paperwork?’ It was very straightforward. A quick and clean divorce. And because of the way I had been feeling, I thought to myself....Do I really want a long, drawn out court battle? This seems easy enough…. So, against my better judgment ( and any sane persons) I signed those papers.
There are many moments with this man that I simply wish I could push the rewind button and go back and say something different, or think something different, but that very moment…that was the beginning of the end. The end of peace as I knew it and the beginning of a hell on earth like none other.
We got divorced. In record time so that she could have her ‘dream wedding.’ They were married about 3 months after our divorce was final. Here comes the nightmare….
We sort of had a custody agreement set in place. It wasn’t set in stone, but it was working. Three days after the wedding I was to meet my ex husband at our ‘drop off point’ a sort of middle ground where we would make the exchange for our son. He never showed up! My Mother and I waited in my car for over two hours. I was scared to death. By this time I had an attorney and she called his. His attorney informed us he was simply not showing up and I was not going to see my son that weekend. I asked my lawyer what to do? She told me to call the police. So I did. They escorted me to their home where they were just hanging out....( my ex husband, his new wife, her daughter, and my son. ) The police knocked on their door. They told me to come to the front of the house. The new wife started insisting that it wasn’t my weekend and she was his Mother. ( You can’t make this sh*t up!) So they had to ask my poor kid, "Who exactly is your real Mother?" He pointed to me and the police took him out of their house and we got into the car and went home.
You know that saying ( or something like this) that it's either a narcissists way or the highway? Yep. The proverbial sh*t was about to hit the fan. He did not like it so much that I became so bold that day...( even though my attorney advised me to do exactly what I did.) I have spoken about this at length. A narcissist is certain they are above the law. In every possible way. Do you think he cared that it was my custodial weekend? He simply was too lazy to drop off my kid. He had better things to do. And once again, it was time for me to pay.
About a month went by. I had already received my first summons in the mail. We were all waiting for that one. But this night was back to school night and I actually felt well enough to attend. I was actually excited. I was going to meet my son's teacher and some of the parents. I thought to myself....a new start. Oh how wrong I was…
At first, parents were coming up to me and introducing themselves. So I did the same. I'm usually pretty friendly and open. I never took my ex husbands last name, so at first they were not sure who I was. When they figured it out, I could not understand what was happening. Did you ever walk into a room and feel like someone was talking about you? Even a total stranger? Imagine that, except 30 strangers! I did not know what was going on. Did I have a large stain on my dress? Something in my teeth? I had never experienced this before. I tried to have normal conversations but with every word I spoke, each person seemed to take another step back. Well, if I had just met a psychopath, who did drugs, slept with married men, had 10 ( or was it 11) abortions and beat up my own Mother I most definitely would have stepped back myself! Only I did not know my smear campaign had started. It had actually been in play for quite some time. Only this time I got to make my grand entrance into a room now filled with very nervous enemies. My ex husband and his new wife made it their lifes mission to make sure that each and every person I encountered now was not only skeptical of me, but absolutely opposed to the idea of ever getting to know me. I was an outcast. I didn't know what hit me.
The lies only continued and each new one was more colorful than the last. For two people who were not the most creative people, I have to tell you… they certainly put their heart into it. Between my smear campaign, and the daily emails from my ex husband ( or his wife pretending to be him) telling me she was now ‘my son's new Mommy,’ I was a disgrace and worthless. Fat. Ugly. Untalented. Not intelligent. Not worth living. I actually started to believe it.
I didn't see my friends. I did not get out of bed. I was put on every antidepressant that was on the market at that time. Nothing was helping. My Mother was devastated. My friends didn't know what happened to me. I stopped playing music. I could barely study gemology or even work at all. I did not want to live any longer. No parent would make a play date on my weekends. My ex husband did not even begin to realize how much that was killing our child. He basically had nothing to do during his time with me, which of course made him want to be with them more. And that was his plan. Take every possible thing away from me. Even my son's love.
Months went by. It was only getting worse. Then one Sunday morning I happened to look inside my son's backpack. There was an invitation inside. I opened it up. It was an invitation to another little boys birthday party and it was that day! I honestly didn't know what to do. First I asked my son why he didn't tell me, and he replied that he simply forgot. I asked him if he wanted to go? It was a swimming party and my son loved to swim so I thought he would have fun. I told him ‘we had to hurry up. We had to get dressed and run and buy this little boy a birthday present.’ My little boy actually turned to me and said "Mommy, you don't have to come if you don't want to. You can just drop me off. I know it isn't easy for you." My eyes filled up and I said ‘Of course I'm coming! Do you think I would miss a chance to watch my kid swim?’ He was so happy. And so was I. For the first time in a very long time. We ran and bought the gift and I quickly wrapped it and off we went. I knew I would be sitting all alone while he played with his friends. That was okay. Watching him have fun and not worrying about me was such a gift, you have no idea.
He kissed me goodbye and ran downstairs to be with the other children and I sat at a table all alone as usual. And then I looked up... It was as if I was looking at an actual angel. This beautiful woman, with long, curly dark hair looked at me and said "I don’t believe a word of it. Not one single word." I honestly had no idea what she was talking about. She sat down next to me and started telling me that she could tell without knowing me at all that I was kind, and a good Mother and it was only a matter of time before everyone knew the truth about "them." I so badly wanted to believe her. But I have to tell you, just having another human being sit with me and spend some time with me was really all I needed at that moment. That was almost 12 years ago. She is still to this day, one of my dearest friends and one of the reasons I started getting out of bed in the morning.
And yes. The truth did come out. His crimes. His now second divorce. How this time he tortured his second wife so badly she fled the country. Oddly enough, her smear campaign was far worse than mine. Partially because there was some truth to what was being said about her, but mostly because I turned out to be so much stronger than she actually was. I thought this woman was the toughest girl I had ever met! This is how you never really know in life. Not only what goes on behind closed doors but what your true character will reveal in your darkest moments.
I am sad to say that she is no longer with us. And I know why. I tried to save her. But I couldn't.
So yes…This story started out to be a tale of the smear campaign heard round the world. But it is also a story of hope And friendship. And finding the strength to go on, even when you do not think you have one single ounce of energy left to spare. I felt no need for a smear campaign of my own. He took care of that all by himself. No friends left. No more family to speak of really. No job. No ambition. No passion. No life. He did that all on his own. My words would have been quite small compared to his own truth and inner demons.
And life came back….
Only this time I was stronger.
People who once kept their distance now smiled at me. We became friends on social media. They know all of his ‘tragic stories’ without me ever speaking a word….
So for anyone going through your very own smear campaign, or the ghosting, gaslighting, torture, brainwashing, word twisting, mind bending and world altering unimaginable nightmare, it will end. But do not waste as much time as I did. Do not let this person take away your soul. It's going to hurt. It's going to hurt like hell. But when you finally wake up from the nightmare you will be a new person. You will be able to hold your head up high once again. You will carry your war wounds like a crown. And you will wear it proudly. And you will never look back.
I wish all of you the peace I have found. I wish you strength. And most of all....I wish you love.
