The Ugly Truth about Backhanded Compliments
A backhanded compliment is hardly a compliment
A backhanded compliment is hardly a compliment. It is an insult that is poorly disguised, (and yet, overt at the same time) as a compliment, oftentimes rooted in the insecurities of the person delivering it.
Just about anyone I have known who gives backhanded compliments have deep-seated insecurities. Every single one of them.
Not all backhanded compliments are mean-spirited though, some rude comments are said out of sheer ignorance. That is why it’s so important to be able to identify the following:
What you feel is needed and appropriate at the moment.
If the type of comment is worth overlooking or providing a mindful and appropriate response.
If it is insinuating some sort of accusation, are you going to dispute it? Is it even worth it?
How can you tell when you are receiving a backhanded compliment?
“You look great … for your age.” or…” You’re old…well, older than me, so you are like an older sister.” (Sounds nice, for about a half a second….) This is just revealing the speaker’s insecurities about getting older and how aging might impact their appearance and self confidence while facing what we all face…growing older. Some are actually able to do it with humility and grace, and not behave like a small child.
Ultimately, if someone’s compliment makes you feel bad about yourself or questions their intent, then it’s most likely a backhanded compliment.
So how do you respond?
Although a person might not intend for their words to be hurtful toward you, backhanded compliments can sting, If you find yourself on the receiving end of one, take a moment to observe the emotions that come up- Do you feel hurt, angry, unseen, misunderstood, unheard, and the remark is insulting and just totally unfounded?
If you feel comfortable sharing your feelings, consider using ‘I’ statements to let the other person know how you feel. Give some examples how they are very Uninformed where you are concerned.
If you believe the backhanded compliment was out of ignorance and not ill-intended, then you can acknowledge their good intentions (or the positive part of their compliment) to show empathy and disarm any defensiveness. But if they are clearly trying to ‘get your goat’ I would not allow it.
Backhanded compliments are not exactly praise, they usually stem from a person’s insecurity. Remember, backhanded compliments are a backdoor attempt at delivering a critique or bias…and if you let them slide, they will escalate to much more abusive statements in not too long a time. You might just come to find that you are not just dealing with your average, run-of-the-mill asshole, you might just be dealing with a narcissist.
Narcissists are masters at backhanded compliments. They come very quickly, right after the “love bombing” stage. Sometimes, even before…you just don’t realize it yet.
When dealing with a narcissist, genuine compliments are hard to come by. In fact, unless they are trying to get something from you, they hardly ever happen at all, at least in a real, authentic way. However, once in a while, just once in a while, the narcissist will give you something that appears like a compliment. However, it is anything but.
Narcissists can never fully compliment someone unless there is an insult tied to it. In broad terms, it’s sometimes known as what I was speaking of above…“backhanded compliment.” An example would be, “I like your dress, it almost fits you.” The compliment-insult, or complisult, first sets you up, trusting the person ever so slightly. He’s saying something nice to me, you think. We’re making progress. However, when you start trusting, the narcissist hits you with the insult. The insult is letting you know exactly where you stand. He feels you are beneath him. And if you tell him that you are hurt, do not expect an apology. Ever.
When you hear a phrase that is the opposite of respect, it sends the message that It’s a dismissal. A big one! No matter how amazing you were not one week prior, something changed. Now, if you want to delve into the mind of a narcissist, whether covert, overt, altruistic, classic exobishinist…be my guest, but I wouldn’t recommend it.
That’s not to say that the narcissist can’t give a straight compliment. Sometimes he/she will throw you off by not tacking an insult on to the end. The purpose for this is two-fold. First, it leads you to a false sense of security. Second, it helps the narcissist get something from you. Remember that narcissists rarely do something just for the sake of being nice. They always want something in return. As soon as you give them what they desire, they go back to treating you as lower than them. That feeling of being ‘less than’ and they make no bones about it.
Be extremely cautious about trusting someone who can’t give compliments freely. When someone can’t give a compliment or show real concern without throwing in a comment meant to “put you in your place,” that is a person who usually does not have your best interests at heart. This is the same type of person that asks you about your thoughts on an upcoming project, then passes your ideas off as his/her own. This is a person who knows what you love and tries to tell you that what you love is wrong and quite possibly will add, it’s not even real. Or it was wrong when it felt so right. It made you happy and you were proud, now you’re being told you should be ashamed…it is merely an illusion. And when your idea is stolen, or you are upset (and rightly so for someone to say something so hurtful…) that person will point the finger at you when something goes wrong. They will feel slighted and angry when you react. When you let others know what actually took place. And they will twist it and deny it till their dying day.
What tends to not work? Trying to beat the narcissist at his own game. When you try to “best” the narcissist at complisults, you usually are one-upped by him. He is the zen master of insults. And you walk away feeling like you have betrayed your sense of integrity. These people are like Teflon when it comes to avoiding responsibility, nothing sticks. They exude charm, charisma, kindness, authenticity, and always added by lots of emojis with lots of hearts, smiley faces and yes, a backhanded compliment. This usually results in them walking away without consequences, while you are stuck trying to defend yourself. And believe me when I tell you, most people won’t believe you, and now you feel even worse than when this whole thing began.
One of the best tactics is to avoid the narcissist at all costs. While you may feel that a complisult here and there is not an issue, there is a cumulative effect. In addition, the narcissist usually starts upping the ante if you don’t respond. They usually start taking their complisults public, making sure they have an audience when they ridicule you. Or, come out looking like the kindhearted hero. Narcissists love attention, and when you don’t give it to them, they act out. If you are fed up with being disrespected, some people find the best option is to block and go no contact. I highly advise doing so.
So to sum up…they start out telling you that you are the sun and the moon. Then they start to disagree with you, about things they know absolutely nothing about, but remember…they are always right. Then come those backhanded compliments, and before you know it, things are flying out of their mouths that have you totally and completely baffled.
Here is an excellent example, with a twist…
‘I always feel more intelligent after reading your work.’
There’s no doubt about this one — it can be read in two totally different ways. The first reading suggests a sincere compliment in that your writing makes me smarter.
The other interpretation suggests that your prose is so bad that I feel more intelligent for a different reason. It’s subtle enough that it may be lost on the recipient.
Pretty crafty, those pesky narcissists. So, next time you receive a backhanded compliment, smile, walk away and never give them the chance to ever do such a thing ever again.
