Toxic Amnesia or a Very Convenient Memory
A narcissist has a very convenient memory. Very convenient. They definitely make you believe that ‘they never said that!’
I can not tell you how many times I heard… “I never said that” or “I don’t know what you are talking about! You’re crazy!”
My Mom heard it too, as well as my friends. And they are such gifted liars, you start to wonder if they are either truly forgetting, or even worse…if you are infact crazy, because you know what you heard, but before you realize that you are dealing with your worst nightmare, you will weigh out all of the options…
Do they really not remember?
Did they really never say that?
Did I hear that in a dream?
Am I actually going crazy?
I did a bit of research a few years ago about this phenomenon that seems to run rampant in our relationships with narcissistic individuals. In this research, some experts considered the possibility that those who are high in narcissism actually do indeed have a worse memory for what they have seen, heard and experienced than those who are quite mild where narcissism is concerned. If people focus more on themselves, they may spend less time attending to other information. I suppose this notion made a bit of sense…for about a half of a second, but much like some may say this is an illness, and simply can not be controlled, think back to how they behaved in the very beginning of the relationship
Kind
Considerate
Romantic (if we are speaking of romantic relationships with a narcissist, though this applies to ‘friendships’ as well as coworkers, etc.)
Seemingly rational
Concerned
Loyal
Loving
I started to think, if they were able to control their reactions to things (before the raging) as well as their ability to genuinely care (before their obvious lack of empathy inevitably shows) and about a million other examples that I think is safe to say the majority of us can most definitely relate to, then this bizarre affliction of such terrible memory loss is just as much of a facade as is their ability to control themselves, show genuine care and concern. To actually care about someone…anyone other than themselves and show true and real empathy to others. They sure did it in the beginning. If they hadn’t, we would not have stuck around long enough to be the unfortunate recipients to their insidious nature…the anthesis of what they had us believing not all that long ago.
So, in my humble opinion, saying that there is some truth to the fact that a pwNPD truly has memory problems is along the same lines as saying they have no control over their behavior and actions.
They absolutely do.
So call it what you will…a convenient memory, a selective memory, call it whatever you want, it is just one of the many unpleasant experiences we all have to deal with when experiencing life with a narcissist. An oh so fun extravaganza that seems neverending, but here’s a little secret…if you no longer allow it, the madness stops. If you’re not quite there yet, if you haven’t reached your breaking point…that ‘Ah Ha moment,’ I highly recommend getting a tape recorder…writing everything down. Not necessarily to prove it, because they will still tell you that you are crazy, but at least this way, you know that you are not. Witnesses work well too. But kicking them to the curb is the best way to end this insanity once and for all.
I hope whoever is still on the fence makes that choice…that way, you no longer have to question anything, and you will never have to hear again “I never said that” because now you know for certain that’s exactly what you heard.
