What are Idealized and Persecutory Segments of Experience in the Context of Narcissism?

I am going to use my own personal experience to explain my interpretation of this question….

Idealization

Basically, as far as he was concerned (or so he had me believe) I was perfect. I could do no wrong. I am messy…he didn’t mind one bit. I wore my hair slightly different one day, he not only noticed but told me it looked beautiful…beautiful any way I wore it. I was ‘the most talented person he had ever known’ (only to find out years later he did not like any female musicians…) I was insightful. Fun. Sexy. I was ‘the woman of his dreams…’

I was very young when we met. Romantic and naive. I did not understand until years later that even when non disordered people fall in love and there is the ‘honeymoon’ phase that nothing is perfect. Certainly no person that I have ever known. If someone told me now that I was ‘perfect in every way ‘ that would seem a bit odd to me. Even if you truly love someone, there are still going to be things that bother you a little. Hopefully these are rather Insignificant things and the good outweighs the bad, but in the Idealization phase or ‘lovebombing' phase, their potential partner can do no wrong. I now understand that it is simply not realistic nor healthy to set yourself (or someone else) up like that…because when you do, you are headed for quite a fall.

Persecutory

When the devaluing starts, that pedestal you were put upon is kicked out from under you quite fast. Then they hurl it at you.

Everything they once claimed to love about you is now a point of contention. You can not do anything right. Even the smallest thing will be pointed out and critiqued. You are now being punished for not being able to live up to their crazy, unrealistic expectations and you have failed them greatly.

Though you are being devalued, ignored, and eventually you become a faint memory, they truly feel as if they were the ones who have been victimized. We are being persecuted, yet they carry on, find a new supply, seem to be on top of the world and the true victim doesn’t know what hit them.

Though I was the one who asked for the divorce, I still went through all of the stages a victim goes through…I truly believed we could still be some semblance of a family..I wanted that for our child. He knew how badly I wanted that and like that proverbial dangling carrot, at times he allowed it, only to wisk it away when he no longer needed something from me or whenever it suited him.

I wanted to present a united front for our child. I finally realized, that was never going to happen because I was now the enemy. And how can you be on the same side with your sworn enemy? You can’t.

It was one of the hardest things I ever had to accept and to this day, it is truly the only thing that I have not made peace with…because what happened to our son was so unnecessary and so unspeakable that I truly wonder if he will ever be okay.