What Are the Scary Parts of Living Life Without a Family?

When I think of ‘family’ I am not thinking of a husband, lots of kids, the big house with the white picket fence…my family was my Mom and my Dad.

I loved them both equally but for different reasons. I needed them equally, but again…for different reasons.

My Father was the voice of reason. He not only took care of me and my Mom, he paid special attention to needs he never in a million years thought he would be attending to. Mine.

My Dad never planned on marriage or children. He liked his life exactly as it was. It never occurred to him that anything was missing until my Mom came along and changed everything.

My Mom did not have many ‘deal breakers.’ She wasn't exactly the ultimatum type…but she desperately wanted children and I think my Father was afraid he would lose her if he did not agree to at least one child. They were not even sure if they could have children because at that time, people simply did not have children so much later in life. So they agreed…one child. My Mom was so excited, but my Father was nervous about the financial aspect, the aggravation he saw so many of his friends dealing with and just the huge responsibility of having a child in general.…he did not take this lightly.

Just like he never planned on my Mom, he most definitely didn't plan on me. I mean, our relationship and our instant bond. It was undeniable. Where he once viewed children as an enormous responsibility and yes…a bit of aggravation, suddenly became his biggest joy.

I always had many questions. Too many to count…but each one he basically knocked out of the park.

My Mom was warm, incredibly loving, understanding…especially when it came to our differences. As ‘old school’ as she was, she accepted me completely…and I challenged her in many ways. Never on purpose. We were just so different and my dreams were big…her dreams were mostly practical and always putting everyone before herself.

Once I lost my Dad at fourteen our family was never the same, but my Mom and I somehow made it our own. Unlike my relationship with my Father, it was a bit of hard work at times. But it was worth it to us. We started to understand each other and to this day I am not exactly sure how…

After I lost him, I honestly wasn't sure how I was going to survive without him. And for a time, I didn't. But my Mom never gave up. She tried to understand me, how my dreams and unconventional thoughts worked…that once I set my mind on something, there really was no stopping me. This scared her, at first…but eventually, it was one of the things she loved most about me.

If I started listing all of the things that I adored about both of my parents, it could take weeks. They say that children choose their parents…if that is true, I certainly knew what I was doing.

So the scary parts of living without them? Though I have always had wonderful friendships and relationships, the unconditional love I felt from both of them is something that is rare to find at all…but twice? I was so unbelievably lucky. My friends have their own families. Jobs. I know they love me but it doesn't come close to how safe and secure I felt with both of them. Almost as if, whatever life threw at us, I knew in my heart everything was going to be okay.

Now it's just me. I am not looking for a husband. If it should happen, that would be wonderful, but I'm not banking on it. Though I had unconditional love and an unwavering support system, I still was fiercely independent. If anything, I am more independent than ever before because I simply had no choice. And it isn't always easy. And I wonder how different my life would have been had my Father lived into his golden years and if my Mom did not have to help out so much with my son. Honestly, if things had not happened the way they did, I believe my life would have been drastically different.

But I would have remained sheltered and more than likely fairly naive. I know I still would have pursued a career in music, but I would not have become brave. I didn't have a choice. But in a way, I think they were preparing me for that, especially my Father.

I am proud of what I have accomplished on my own, and I know that they are proud of me too, but it can be lonely and yes…it can definitely be scary. If something falls to pieces, I have to pick them up all by myself. Financially, if I were ever in trouble, I only have myself to depend on. And those questions…those burning questions I have had as far back as I can remember…well…they are still there, except I have to answer them myself. I no longer have my Father's words of wisdom, nor do I have my Mother's undying loyalty, devotion and unconditional love. But I was lucky to have that at all…because so many do not…something I did not even realize until much later in life.

It is scary when you lose the people you love most in this world. Celebrations are not the same. Holidays. Any real achievement you can no longer share with these extraordinary people…you have to figure out a way to celebrate things all on your own. It does not feel natural for me at times, even though it's been close to two years since I lost my Mom and quite a long time since I lost my Dad.

Though I feel as if I am whole, at the same time there are crucial and intrinsic parts of me that are missing. But because of this incredible foundation I was so fortunate to grow up with, I have my own way of dealing with the grief and sadness that can overwhelm you in your darkest moments. I still always manage to see a light even when it could not be any darker. I still feel both of them and I feel (in a way) that they are both watching over me. But it is still scary. It still doesn't feel natural. It never will. But I have the memory of two extraordinary human beings who changed my life in every way. So yes…there are scary aspects of living life without a family, but in a way I feel that they are still with me.

That's the thing about love…no matter if someone is no longer on this earth, their beauty lives on inside of you…in your heart. It is yours. No one can ever take that away from you. You carry them with you wherever you go.