When did you first realize that how a person treats you is a reflection of themselves and has nothing to do with you?

It happened almost simultaneously. Two highly respected people essentially told me the exact same thing and I have to tell you, I was a bit taken back, at first.

One is a dear friend who is a professor. I had just started confiding in him about my ordeal with my nex (which he had no idea) and we started speaking about projection.

Around the same time, I started asking my therapist very specific questions about certain patterns and occurrences that went on during the course of my marriage…she too started to speak to me about projection.

You have to know, until a little over two years ago, I had no idea what narcissistic personality disorder was. I honestly did not even know the real definition of a narcissist.

These two incredibly wise people opened up my eyes and made me understand things that I never once thought about previously…because before him, I truly had no need to.

I grew up in a loving home and aside from my unfortunate encounter with my ex husband, I had never experienced abuse before. Not even a little. Wonderful friendships and relationships. A wonderful family. I was truly blessed (and a bit naive, you could say.)

All those years he was doing such unspeakable things and then turning around and blaming me…I was so confused. But it did not stop there…

Once I found Quora (though a blessing in many ways) I came across some people who let’s just say did not have the best of intentions.

What I believed was the beginning of a friendship, turned out to be some of the biggest mindfu*ks of my entire life! I truly didn’t know what hit me!

It was explained to me (not just by my therapist and my dear friend who is a professor) but other kind souls with actual good intentions as well as lots of books and a lot of research that even if I was not dealing with actual disordered people, some had been so badly abused their entire lives that the idea of a real friendship seemed impossible to them.

They had such trust issues that no matter how kind and genuine I was, they honestly did not believe my intentions were genuine. So they had to sabotage it before I could ‘hurt' them (which I never would have done.)

Some I later came to find were infact disordered. Some were so obsessed with the notion of narcissism that truly, it is all they could think about. They could not think in any other terms. It was sad and so disappointing because I’m not one to screw over my friends…but they already had it made up in their minds that was precisely what I was going to do.

All the while I was being genuine, kind, generous, open, understanding and what I thought to be the very definition of a friend, they saw it in a very different way.

I was told I was obsessed with the spotlight because of my job…(I’m a Singer-Songwriter.) I ‘craved' attention and I was selfish and greedy. I had never heard these words before (except for my short lived marriage) and I knew it was wrong then and I knew it was wrong now.

It was not equal. Not at all. For instance, I was asked not only to read a very long and complicated book, but I had to buy it, yet at the same time, this person would not listen to one of my songs. I would have sent them the music, I would have never expected a friend to pay for that.

When they were ‘teaching’ me the true ways of the world I was respectful and inquisitive, yet if I had anything to say about my point of view, I was ignored.

I freely gave money, time, my honesty, and tried to steer the conversations away from constantly talking about narcissism by speaking of my family or special times in my life, but that was viewed as selfish and ‘talking too much…’ having too many issues or questions, not being genuine, not being me. It was an all too familiar feeling. It brought me back to so many years ago constantly hearing how I was wrong, stupid, selfish, self absorbed, and the list goes on…except this time I knew better.

I did confide in my best friend since elementary school as well as another dear friend who told me these were ‘not my people.’ And though it was hard to hear all of these terrible things about myself, I realized, they were talking about themselves and didn’t even realize it.

I knew it felt wrong. I know that I am caring and giving but they could only feel what they felt inside about themselves. It made me sad. And frustrated. And honestly, a bit angry, because who wants to sit there and here terrible, unfounded things about yourself? I wouldn’t think many people would make it a habit of doing that on a daily basis…

So I learned a lot. Much more than any book ever taught me…even my own therapist. I realized in those moments that my best friend was right…she kept saying to me…’Ellen, you can’t save everyone…’ but also, mostly what I felt was gratitude. Even though I have had loss, I am still able to laugh. To experience joy. To have wonderful friendships. To have music live inside my heart when all I was hearing was because I was a musician I ‘craved’ the spotlight and constantly needed all of the focus on me!’ And that is not true. That isn’t who I am.

I felt sad that certain people were simply unable to experience beautiful things that I was still able to, and though I kept hearing how awful I was, I knew in my heart that I wasn’t. I wasn’t this damaged, unhappy soul…they were…and the more I kept hearing how terrible I was, the more I realized how deep narcissism really goes.

So back to your original question…I realized that I have become pretty self aware. Intuitive. And most important I know myself. I know my weaknesses and I know my strengths, but one thing is for certain…I am not a selfish, terrible, evil monster. Whatever lives inside these poor souls I wish more than you know that I could save them.. but I can’t. And every bad thing I was hearing wasn’t about me at all. It was about them.

Discussions were futile. Rational communication went out the window the moment I became the enemy. So I had to say goodbye. And it didn’t destroy me. It made me smarter, and stronger and like I said…grateful. Grateful for all of the blessings I have had in my life (despite a few setbacks) but all in all I learned to be okay with letting others think anything they want about me. If that helps them, then good for them.

I’m going to keep on being me. Doing what I love. What inspires me and if someone has something negative to say about it, let them. This is my life. And I am happy with the outcome so far…and I hope I keep learning and growing and evolving and not being as sensitive as I once was. That I have no control what a person believes or what they try to put in my own mind…as I said, I know who I am, and I will not allow anyone to take even the tiniest piece of me away from me. I worked hard to get here…and I have only just begun.