The Narcissist’s Silent Treatment…The Message in their Silence.
This is a punishment. A big one. Just about every single person I know who has been in a relationship with a pwNPD has been on the receiving end of this heartbreaking, confusing and cruel tactic they all seem to use. The Narcissist’s Playbook, (so to speak.)
Once upon a time you were the epitome of their ‘soul mate.’ Now, it is as if you do not deserve to breathe the same air they breathe.
You no longer have the right to ask for important things (clarification, kindness, affection, information) and they are definitely doing this for a reason. You were once good. Now you are bad. Plain and simple.
Black and White Thinking Rears its Ugly Head Yet Again.
These people lack something vital (well, so many vital things) but object consistency is an enormous one. Object constancy is the ability to separate your view of a person’s character from how you feel about them in that given moment. Let’s say you are really angry at them, for a moment, or even for a day or so, but you are still able to maintain your ability to recognize all of their wonderful traits and their good qualities despite the fact you’re not very pleased with them at this particular time. Emotional permanence is just one type of object constancy that enables you to trust that other people care for you even when they are not actively showing you affection or care the way you would like them to, momentarily...and difficulties with that notion (or lack there of) might cause challenges in your relationships with the people you care about. Of couse you do not know this yet if you have yet to research Narcissistic Personality Disorder, nor do you know why or how they could ever feel this way about you, but believe me they do and this is how they show it. You were once the sun and the moon…and now, well, you are nothing. Less than nothing. Less than Zero…(that movie just took on a whole different meaning to me as I am writing this.)
They are not responding not because they know they are wrong and do not know how to apologize to you. If you think they are sitting there, torturing themselves with the knowledge that they have hurt you deeply, and need somehow to make it right, simply struggling for the right words…words to make it better….well, in a perfect world, that is precisely what a good human being would be doing…however, these people are not good human beings, in my eyes, my heart, they are not really human…because what human being would do such a heartless and cruel thing to someone who truly cared for them with everything inside of them?
A Narcissist would.
No response IS a response…always remember that, and there is a message in the way someone speaks to you (or does not speak..) listen closely.
I used to ask myself…’What does this all mean, what is the message exactly? Now I realize, all these years later…people treat you exactly how they feel about you. That’s it! That’s the message!
You do not have to read the DSM-V, nor do you have to torture yourself with all of these questions that are keeping you up nights.
I hope this realization (though certainly not a pleasant one) helps you along your journey of self discovery, realizing what you are worth, who is worth the pleasure of knowing you and why people would treat you in such a way. There really is a message, a message in their silence…and once you get it, you can start your journey towards finding yourself again, as well as your self esteem, your voice. Your worth. Yourself. What you will and will not accept. What you will never tolerate ever again. We’re not just talking boundaries here…we are talking about basic human decency, and if someone isn’t willing to give you even that, they are not worth one more second of your precious time. Never again. Good luck to you…to everyone.
