Ellen M. Lerner
5 min readApr 1, 2022

When will I Stop Obsessing over Getting Revenge Against my Abusive Malignant Narcissistic Ex? My Quest for Vengeance is Consuming Me and I Don’t Know How to Stop It.

There is a very famous quote by Buddah. ‘Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.’

I remember feeling the way you do, not all that long ago, and I read that quote. It really hit home…it hit me hard. Because that's what I was doing. I was allowing him to take away the very essence of who I was. I was disappearing right before my eyes, and all the eyes of everyone who loved me. I decided I did not want to disappear. There was a lot of life left to live.

Some will tell you apathy is the best revenge as far as a narcissist goes, and while that is mostly true, the absolute, best, foolproof way of getting back at a narcissist is massive success. As Sinatra once said…’The best revenge is massive success.’ It applies in all areas of life…even where a narcissist is concerned.

But you can't get there if you have an all consuming quest for revenge.

You have to let it go.

I understand that some of you are saying to yourselves ‘how do you let go of a person who tried to destroy your life in every possible way?’ I felt like that too…

Little by little, even as it was happening and I didn't even know it, I started looking at things in a different way and I started to heal. I wish I could attribute this to an amazing therapist or some perfect book for this situation in particular, but it was truly me trying to get through to me.

I must give credit where credit is due…I had two incredible parents, and though I lost my Dad at 14, his words still ring true to this day. I had a Mother who refused to give up on me, even when I most definitely gave up on myself and some amazing friends who stuck by me even when I wasn't very easy to love. And though none of them really understood what in the hell was happening, they knew I wasn't making up some story…being dramatic or blowing this whole thing out of proportion…we just didn't have a name for it.

They still do not completely understand, and I get it and I am grateful because I would never want anyone I love (anyone on earth actually) to go through that horror…but once I understood exactly what I was dealing with, what really happened in my life, how I was not even close to the only person he affected, and that I still had a fighting chance when some were not so lucky, I basically made a choice…

Do I want to live, or do I want to die? Because living that way was basically dying…and I didn't want to live that way anymore…I wasn't ready to die…there was still so much left that I wanted to do….

So I made a decision. I was going to let it go. And for the most part, I have. Where my child is concerned, that's another story, and what he did to countless others, I'm working on it, but as far as what he did to me, I decided I was no longer going to look at myself as a victim. And in that instant…I was no longer a victim. I was a survivor.

Though therapy did not work for me, I wouldn't rule it out. You need to talk to someone. It doesn't have to be a therapist..but you need someone to talk to.

You should also keep a journal.

Read. Read a lot…and not just about narcissism. Read inspiring stories. Success stories. People who had lives that make yours look like a cakewalk! That's what I did…you can not imagine how grateful you will start to feel.

Do charity work.

Work in the garden.

Listen to music. I've been saying that since I was two years old.

Surround yourself with people who make you happy…people who make you feel good about yourself.

Back to books…I personally love Wayne Dyer. And Rumi. And always Buddah…

After a period of time this feeling will wash away. It will not happen overnight. But it will happen.

But you have to let it go.

I am in no way saying you must forgive the guilty parties involved. Forgive yourself for allowing this in your life.

Then let it go.

One day you won't think about this person any longer. You will not feel the need for revenge. You will realize (as hard as it is to believe) that the universe keeps track of everything. Karma is a very real thing. Many people view Karma as a punishment. That's not really it at all. If you are really curious about the true definition of Karma, read the Buddhist and Hindu definitions, though every religion and culture has their own versions and views where Karma is concerned, those two resonate with me the most…Karma is about learning the lesson. Because that's what this all was. And the narcissist must learn their lesson as well, and if they do not, there is a certain bit of punishment involved but mostly they are doomed to repeat the same, miserable, empty, vapid life over and over again. Anyone who believes that a narcissist is happy in any way is wrong. As bad as they tried to make us feel, they feel ten times worse. Trust me, I am not saying to feel sorry for them in the slightest, just know that while they may exude a happy, boastful, all consuming love affair with themselves, it's all a lie. I actually call it The Big Lie. They absolutely loath themselves and will never be okay…we actually will be okay…

But you have to let it go. You have to let them go. You have to remember all of the things you loved about yourself and this world. And if that means you must reinvent yourself, then do it. Do not give them the pleasure of watching their grand plan play out. Prove them wrong. Shock the hell out of them. Then…go and be happy.

Massive success is the best revenge.

Ellen M. Lerner

My name is Ellen. I am a Composer. A Pianist and Vocalist. A Student. A Writer and most of all...I'm a Survivor.