Why a Narcissist will Ignore you or ‘Ghost’ you after a Disagreement.
I thought about this for a moment…at first, I thought the answer was a ‘no brainer.’ I was going to say that it was a punishment. Narcissists love punishments…especially if they feel as if they have been slighted in some way, and though I think there’s a bit of truth to ghosting you as a form of punishment…for daring to disagree with them, I think it goes a bit deeper than that…
If they know you well, if they know that you are the kind of person who always wants to work things out, have a ‘heart to heart talk’ and make things right, there will obviously have to be a conversation (what two grown up people do to remedy a misunderstanding, or argument) and this is something they will dread (for various reasons…)
First, narcissists are lazy. Hard conversations take hard work. They take honesty and owning your part of the conflict, and not only will the thought of a deep conversation be an annoying and exhausting thought, they wouldn’t have the faintest idea how to have a real one. One that takes time, real thought and care, reflection and most especially… accountability.
And if you have been down this road with them before (and more than likely you have, too many times to count) they already know you're on to them…that their lack of accountability, constant deflection and all of the other things that usually go down when trying to have an open and honest discussion is getting old. You're on to them…and either they want/need to ‘save face..’ (maybe they are not quite finished with you yet and they still want or need something from you) do not want others hearing about this incident, must look like ‘the good guy’ or do not want to run the risk of blowing a gasket and proving your point in the first place.
It is very much the same as closure. Healthy, normal people feel that a relationship that is ending deserves a proper one. If the relationship had good, happy and especially real moments, it is natural to want to express your sadness and remorse that you will no longer be in this relationship (this could be any type of important relationship, not just a romantic one…) and maybe you want to say all the things you feel…even if there is a bit of anger involved, if you cared for this person, naturally…there will be things that you will miss…things that you felt were special…special moments. You may even wish to express gratitude for your time together but as we well know, by the time your relationship is over with a pwNPD, (and usually…it has been over long before we were even aware of it..) you have been put in the ‘all bad’ category and that is where you will stay. Narcissists lack object consistency. (Object constancy is the ability to retain a bond with another person — even if you find yourself upset, angry, or disappointed by their actions.)
So…yes. A punishment. Too lazy to even give it the ‘old college try..’ annoying, not worth their time. Not wanting to hear even the slightest, smallest ‘bad’ thing about themselves…(they can’t even handle constructive criticism that is only coming from a truly good place.) They have better things to do…why would they waste a moment listening to your stupid feelings and opinions about this particular argument or disagreement? But I truly believe if they have even the slightest bit of self awareness (not so much so that they would ever admit fault and most especially ‘own’ it…) but just enough to know exactly what they did…but will never admit it, it’s just so much easier to ignore you. To ‘ghost’ you. To (once again) leave you with unanswered questions. Wondering what you could have said…thinking this whole thing might actually be your fault (and depending upon what stage you are in with a pwNPD) you will most definitely run the gamut of emotions, thoughts, confusion, doubt…most especially doubt about yourself. But once you know… all of that insanity…it goes away. Sadly, what you are left with is the unimaginable realization you are dealing with a monster. A person who cares so little for you, you are not even worth a discussion. An apology. Not even a ‘God bless you’ when you sneeze.
Hopefully, there will come a day that you think back to these times and do not miss a single moment of them. You do not miss these insane, crazy times, most important…you no longer miss them! You begin to remember your values…most especially… your value. You do not spend the rest of your days questioning anything where this person is concerned and you realize it had absolutely nothing to do with you…and everything to do with them. And you are grateful that it’s over. Your time in crazy town is long gone and forgotten and you choose relationships with people who would want to have that ‘hard talk’ because they know it’s important to you, and especially because they know that you deserve it…and you are important to them.
It is amazing…when the fog has lifted and we once again see the light of day, it almost seems ridiculous that we gave this person a moment of our time. Even just a piece of it. Our heart. Ourselves. We made it to the other side…a little bit bruised and battered, but so much wiser and hopefully we never again allow this in our lives. Where once this person was your end all be all…now, all they are is a clown.
“I did my thesis on clowns. It’s a powerful thing when you’ve got this little red nose on. It’s a mask, the smallest in the world, but it unveils you. You stand up there and do these exercises, let you play, and see what comes out. What comes out is the truth.”― Becky Lynch
