Ellen M. Lerner
6 min readFeb 28, 2024

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Why do people say that narcissists text a lot?

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Do narcissists text a lot? Perhaps. Mine certainly did only because he knew how much I hated texting. Anything I loved he tried to take away, and anything I detested he tried to throw it down my throat. Did he only text with others as well? I doubt it, but I honestly don’t know.

Some of my oldest and dearest friends prefer texting. Again, I absolutely hate it. I basically hate anything that has to do with technology, so usually they will bite the bullet and pick up the phone and call. But because certain friends of mine prefer texting, are they narcissists? Should I be worried?

Maybe some narcissists love to talk on the phone. Maybe they just love the sound of their own voices. Or maybe while they are trying to torture you while you are on the phone with them they love to hear the pain in your voice. It’s much easier to hide your pain behind a text message, though I couldn’t. I can clearly remember writing him things along the lines of.… “why are you doing this to me? I don’t understand. You are being so cruel. I can not take much more of this. Please, for the sake of our son, just try and be a half decent human being.”

Not knowing what I know now, he loved every minute of it. Knowing it was basically killing me gave him all the fuel he needed, and I had no choice. Texts. Phone calls. Emails. Each exchange was more horrific than the next, but we had a young son, and it was court ordered that we had to be in contact. It was a nightmare…(but I’m getting off track.)

When I see questions such as…‘ Why Do All narcissists like to be outside?’ Or… ‘Do all narcissists like heavy metal music?’ Or ‘What is a narcissists favorite color, type of fashion/way of dressing, their astrological sign…’ it really is not that these questions are futile, I worry for the newcomers. I worry that someone is already so confused they do not know which end is up and then they happen to read some answer saying that all narcissists like to be outside. All narcissists are ‘water signs.’ All narcissists are ‘musicians.’ Actually…anyone in the performing arts, (stage actors, ballet dancers, comedians, you name it,) and I get very worried, because it brings me right back to…

Black and White Thinking.

When we think of ‘Black and White thinking,’ we are supposed to think of narcissism. It’s supposed to go hand and hand, right? But I know that not all of this confusion came by way of a narcissist. If we were all certain of that fact we wouldn’t even bother reading them, let alone answering them. So what happens when the very confused newcomer sees an answer that says in no uncertain terms that ‘All narcissists like to be outside?’ What if that particular person had the opposite experience? What if the victim was the one who infact loved being outside? What if they start thinking to themselves…. ‘Well…he/she said that I was the crazy one. This whole entire thing was all my fault. Maybe they were right.’

Hopefully they keep on reading, and hopefully they find intelligent, open minded people who try and explain that if it were just that easy, if we could spot a pwNPD just by certain stereotypes that have absolutely nothing to do with this disorder, we would not be driving ourselves crazy trying to nail this whole thing down once and for all. We would not have piles of books on Narcissism all over our homes and we would move along to bigger and better things that aren’t nearly as easy….Oh, if only it were that easy. It’s not. At all.

A narcissist can hide in plain sight. Just because someone is a little over the top or maybe has a slightly overinflated ego does not mean that they have a personality disorder. They might display certain narcissistic traits, but that in no way makes them a full blown narcissist. And then sometimes it is the very person who seems to have no ego at all, kind, helpful in the community, the very definition of altruistic who does the most insidious deeds of all. Irreparable damage. Damage beyond repair.

It does not matter what their favorite color is. What type of food they like. Their MBTI personality type….Because the irony of this whole thing is…will we ever truly know what they actually like? Do they even really love anything at all? I know they sure love what we love, in the beginning, but we know that is just one big lie. The biggest set-up of your life. A person’s identity has a lot to do with what moves them. What inspires them. Most people have a favorite song that reminds them of a wonderful memory, or a piece of artwork that made them think...made them feel…maybe they bought it and it’s hanging in their home. I would imagine that a true pwNPD would hang a piece of art in their home to impress other people. Something important. Not important because they love it, important because of who the artist is, or how much they paid for it. And believe me…they will damn sure let you know! Do we really know if they even like art at all?

I am sure that some of you experienced your ex pwNPD as someone who only texted, and I am sure that some of you experienced the opposite. I just don’t see how these ideas (such as…’All narcissists text’) are getting us anywhere.

I hope I did not offend anyone, and I hope that some of you understand what I am trying to say. I believe this is dangerous territory…as I said how easy would it be if all narcissists did this or that…but as we well know, there is no All this or All that!

It is still so important to share your experiences. It’s important for the reader and it is equally, if not more important for the person writing it, because it is one of the most cathartic things that a person can do. And if it helps someone else, what could be better than that? Just be careful not to give out false information. It’s already a daily struggle for so many people. But generalizing isn’t going to get us very far, even if some can relate. I promise, it doesn’t all go down the exact same way. If it did, we could throw the damn DSM-V out the window, (because let’s face it…it isn’t really helping) and know exactly what red flags to look for before it ever happens! That’s a really nice thought, and hopefully one day it will be that way, but for now, try and have an open mind so that we actually can eradicate this evil once and for all…it is long overdue, for us, the victims and for all of mankind. The better we understand this insanity, the sooner we might put an end to what has destroyed so many. Let’s not allow one more person to endure what we unfortunately had to…because I truly believe this world will be a better place one day, and it is truly up to us…the victims, to at least try and prevent another travesty.

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Ellen M. Lerner

My name is Ellen. I am a Composer. A Pianist and Vocalist. A Student. A Writer and most of all...I'm a Survivor.