Why is it hard to convince a narcissistic survivor that nothing is wrong with them?

Where do I begin? How much time have you got?

I had a beautiful childhood. I loved my life. Yes. I lost my Dad when I was fourteen but I knew he didn’t want to leave me. I knew how much he loved me.

It was extremely painful, but it’s a very different kind of pain than hearing every single day of your life that you are “ugly.” “Stupid.” “Worthless.” “Meaningless.” “Despite your success, you really had no talent.” “Fat.” “Insignificant.” “No one likes you.” “No one cares if you live or if you die…”

I heard these things for years.
The worst one of all is that I didn’t deserve to be a Mom so he had gotten a replacement. That pretty much finished me.

I spent years in my room in bed. The extraordinary friends that stuck by me really tried. I didn’t leave the house, so if they wanted to see me, not only did they have to come over but we sat in my room. They usually would pull up a chair. The really really good ones got in bed right beside me.

No one knew what to say. What was there to say really? No one really knew what was happening…they just knew they were watching their formally happy, outgoing, funny friend slip away. So we would watch a movie.

Usually something light. They tried to get me to laugh. They really tried. But I couldn’t.

I didn’t even try to explain because I didn’t understand myself. I felt myself slipping away…actually…I was really gone.

Even my wonderful, amazing Mom tried her best. Buying me special gifts for no special reason…just because. I would fake a smile every once in a while, but she knew.

One day I confessed to her that going into the bathroom was really hard for me. She just looked at me very puzzled. I explained that I had to walk by the mirror or God forbid actually have to look up into the mirror if I wanted to wash my face or brush my teeth but it was next to impossible to do because if I looked up I would see just how ugly I really was…

The tears streamed down her cheeks and she grabbed me and screamed..”You are beautiful Ellen! In every way! Don’t you see it? Everyone else does! I’m not even talking about your pretty face…I’m talking about your heart!”

But my heart was empty. I felt nothing. I felt worthless. She wanted to die right along with me.

Then last year I lost her. Just at the moment where I was absolutely certain my life was really over, there was a shift. A shift I will never fully be able to explain.
I saw a glimpse of beauty inside of me. Each day that passed, each day that I did not get to see her any longer I started coming back to life.

I know her love had something to do with it. I believe it was a combination of little miracles. But she wasn’t here to witness this…and it doesn’t seem very fair.

I know how grateful I should be that I found myself again somehow and believe me, I am grateful…but she isn’t here to celebrate it with me. And I’m not exactly sure why it took such a loss to make me whole again.

Many of my friends have their own theories. I have heard it all. Divine intervention. Karma. Her best friend called it a “God damn miracle.” Another friend said she had been reincarnated and is in my life in a new way bringing me peace.

That’s all she ever wanted. For so long…all she wanted for me was peace. And I have that now…more than you can imagine.

But she isn’t here.

Sometimes I feel as if she sacrificed herself in a way so I would have the strength to go on and be the person I was always supposed to be. Because that’s what I am now.

But as fortunate as I am, even through all of the madness from long ago, she isn’t here to see the new me. And I’m sure many would say she sees everything and she is here in a way…but it isn’t the same.

Please don’t get me wrong. I know how lucky I am. I have had a beautiful life so far, even with all of the bad, but it doesn’t feel like a very fair trade at times. Losing her to find myself…

I guess that is love. At least my version of it. She is still inside my heart. Reminding me each and every day that I am beautiful and to never give up.

And because of her…I never will.

Thank you. Please don’t give up. Ever. You too will find your beauty again. They can never take that away from you….