Why People Leave when you set Boundaries.
I think it is very simple…
If the majority of your life you were ‘easy’ and never wanted to make waves…the people in your life did not have to work very hard or probably never thought they would lose you because you accepted them for who they were, what they did, how they behaved, and never really had to have much accountability because they assumed you would always stick around.
And for a long time, I did.
I was very much that way. Not necessarily a ‘pushover’ nor was I a people pleaser…but I was pretty easy. I think I felt because I had such a beautiful life for a while, and I was so unbelievably lucky, I should cut most people some slack, because they didn’t have it as easy as I did. What I had was extremely rare.
Then came the ‘bad time.’ Not only did I not have any boundaries…I did not have much of anything for a time. No inspiration. No identity. I was lost. And I never thought I was ever coming back.
But I did.
Lightening can indeed strike twice.
I always say… ‘It's never too late to get your sh*t together…’ and that's exactly what happened.
Not only did I remove myself from a nightmare, but I actually came out better on the other side. I am extremely grateful that I managed to hold onto some parts of me that I always liked, but new things came as well. I became strong. I was never very strong. I was kind. I had talent. I was intelligent, loyal, loving and a good friend. But I wasn't very strong and I wasn't very brave.
When I have said that to certain friends who have known me over half my life or even longer, they do not agree. They equate going after a dream, becoming a songwriter, performing in front of thousands of people and doing it all by myself as being extremely strong and very brave. I wasn’t. Those things came very natural to me. That was all I knew. Performing in front of an audience didn’t make me strong. That made me happy. And it put food on the table. It was all I ever knew. Music was/is essentially my religion, but being a Singer-Songwriter and being brave are two totally different things…There’s an enormous difference.
I started looking at things in a different way after a while. Maybe I read one too many positive affirmations or found a forum where I learned rather quickly what is simply unacceptable and wrong in every way. Being emotionally abused by a narcissist is a given. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that it is wrong in every way, but I took it to a whole different level.
People not showing up for me when I needed them. Making excuses. Doing very little yet expecting a great deal from me started to not only feel very wrong, it felt like a huge waste of my time.
And it was.
I started taking stock of my life. I started to ask myself some hard questions. Why was I making excuses for so many? Was I accepting far less than I deserved? Was this relationship equal? Was it getting better or was I simply holding onto a memory? These are not easy questions to ask yourself but once I became this person, I simply could not avoid it.
And my circle got a lot smaller.
Most people do not want to be questioned. They like the status quo. They liked that they had a friend who would always be there no matter what, and was generous and kind even at times when it was not deserved.
Real friends are willing to have difficult discussions. If they are really your friends, you have faith that you will not only get through it, it will make you even closer. It will make that friendship that much stronger.
Someone who is simply not willing to discuss certain things that are important to you…whether they don't have the time, can not admit responsibility, can not be honest with you because they are unable to be honest with themselves…these are not people that you should be putting your energy into.
And I no longer do.
It's okay to have certain friendships where you see each other on rare occasions. Have dinner. Have a nice time. You can do that. If you can see it for what it is and not expect very much. But the people I placed a great deal of importance and faith into, if they did not show up for me the way I always did for them, I had to walk away.
And I did.
It was not nearly as difficult as I thought it would be. A small few it was a bit painful…but after a pretty short period of time I didn't even think about them any longer. And I know they were not thinking about me either.
If you have boundaries, and you really aren’t asking very much at all and yet, it seems drastic or unreasonable to some, these people are not your people.
That saying..’you attract what you are..’ it couldn’t be more true. And I did. I have the most amazing friends in the world…
You should still think of those who are no longer in your life fondly. Always wish them well. They came into your life for a reason but not everyone who comes into your life stays for a lifetime.
But the ones that do…those rare, special people that bring you joy, lift you up when you are down, who are always there when you need them, you hold onto them for dear life…and if they slip up every once in a while, forgive them. I learned from very wise people to ‘Pick Your Battles.’ They were absolutely right…but they were always right…(how annoying! lol!)
Thank God for my wonderful, kind, wise and loving parents. I loved them so much, and for very good reasons. So many lessons in so little time. But I never forgot a single one…and I believe it was a combination of always having a strong sense of self, having both of them, walking away from a literal nightmare, and getting a second chance that I finally made a choice that this time I not only would never allow someone to tell me how to live my life when they were not walking around in my shoes, to diminish anything that I held dear, to see me only when it was convenient for them, and the flip side…never ever letting go of a good thing. There will always be compromise…that is true of any relationship. I’m more than willing to do that. I had to learn rather quickly the difference between compromise for the sake of a real friendship and compromising myself to fit someone’s expectations of me but were not willing to give me what I always gave them. They are worlds apart. And once you get to the place where you’ve figured things out, these decisions and life choices aren’t very hard at all.
Never let go of something real even if you have to work at it…trust me, it’s worth it. And if you are somewhere in between figuring things out, finding yourself, holding onto your boundaries, but you feel very much alone, it’s not going to last forever. Yes, you have to put yourself out there, but when you find ‘your people’ you get so much back in return you can’t even imagine. Be patient…they’re coming…very soon. And the ones who did not see your value, have faith that one day others will. Even if it’s just one. I would much rather have one real, loyal and loving friend than dozens of friends who don’t get me, don’t even want to try, and never will.
Never allow someone in your life who doesn’t realize just how very special you are. You spent far too long being far too nice because you have a kind heart. Keep that kind heart…just make sure you’re giving it to the right people.
They are rare, but trust me…they’re out there!
