Will A Narcissist Realize That A Good Woman Has Gotten Away?

Once the devaluation starts, whatever attributes they found appealing are long gone and forgotten.

Ellen M. Lerner
4 min readFeb 11, 2024
Photo © Unsplash

Will a narcissist realize that a good woman has gotten away?


Once the devaluation starts, whatever attributes they found appealing are long gone and forgotten.

A pwNPD doesn’t really see value in what others would view as a “good woman.” Not only do they believe that they deserve the best of the best, there are some stipulations involved.

If I were a man, I would focus on someone's loyalty. Kindness. Are they gentle? Warm…understanding, fair, reasonable and kind? Of course there needs to be an attraction — as well as common interests — but the truth is…a narcissist does not really have many interests. Not the way normal people do. They make you believe that they have the same interests that you do.

Part of that is to reel you in and part of it is that they have no real identity of their own.

All of those positive attributes I mentioned above…they will not appreciate these qualities. They will only use them to their advantage to get what they want. They don't view your kindness as a beautiful thing, they view it as a way of being able to get away with murder. They will take advantage of it and when finally (hopefully) the other person involved starts to catch on, it will become the very thing they hate about you.

They will never look at this “good woman” as the one who got away. They don’t choose favorites. Of course, with each new victim, that person will be the “real deal.” The one who is going to fix everything and not be a chore like all of the others. But eventually…that person is thrown into the pile of that same old sob story… “poor me…another crazy woman turned my life upside down and I had to get rid of her too…they’re all nuts. I cannot believe what I have had to live with!”

There are fleeting moments of their version of endearment. Actually, that is too nice of a word to use when describing how they look at each new potential partner/victim. Each new one needs to go through a certain check list, if you will. It really is never based on being a “good woman…” it is based on your status. Your looks. If you have money. If others seem to want to be around you. What they can get from you. It’s not to experience love. This is an emotion they simply cannot feel. It is to see who is going to ultimately save them and what are they going to get out of it.

But I always say, you get what you give. And they do not know give. They only know take. And they will take and they will take until there is nothing left.

Hopefully, you will find the strength and the will to walk away and save yourself. It does not matter if you are remembered in a distorted way. Many people have asked me…”Do you think they miss me? Do you think they regret what they have done?” It breaks my heart every time I have to try and explain that their minds are just not wired that way. It does not matter how kind, generous, forgiving and patient you tried to be. They do not remember that part. What they remember is the moment you started to challenge them and ask them to explain themselves. The moment when you stopped allowing the abuse to continue. They were not thinking… “Wow…she is my kind of woman. Standing her ground. She respects herself. I like that.” Instead, they were thinking, “This person is now my enemy. How dare she disagree with me? How dare she say no? She is going to pay.”

And we will pay, for a time. But all the torture that follows…the gaslighting, the ghosting, the smear campaign, the whole kit and kaboodle…it's worth its weight in gold because we have our freedom back. We have a chance to find a person who will truly value us….and for all the right reasons.

Just because you went through something terrible does not mean you do not get a happy ending. Even Cinderella had to go through her share of bullsh*t before she found her prince.

Photo (c) Upsplash



Ellen M. Lerner

My name is Ellen. I am a Composer. A Pianist and Vocalist. A Student. A Writer and most of all...I'm a Survivor.